Tales from the Monico, episode one: Starting Over
Disclaimer: Oz does not belong to me. I am just borrowing him until the voices go away. The characters I made up are mine alone. I am making no profit from this in the monetary sense, although the satisfaction of completion is profit of a sort.
Feedback: This is always both welcome and useful, particularly when constructive.
(with special guest stars: Devon and Xander ? also property of Joss Whedon)
This story directly follows the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode 4.19: New Moon Rising, aired May 2000.
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Willow: "Oz ... Don't you love me?"
Oz: (Holding her, pressing his forehead to hers as she sobs.) "My whole life... I've never loved anything else."
?Oz is captured by the Initiative, and the Scoobies rescue him...
Oz: "I shouldn't have come back now.... I just thought I'd changed."
Willow: "You have changed." (Smiles) "You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."
Oz: "But I couldn't look at you." (He still can't.) "I mean, it turns out ... the one thing that brings it out in me is you... which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."
Willow: "It was my fault. I upset you."
(He finally looks at her.)
Oz: "Well, so we're safe then," (sarcastic) "cause you'll never do that again."
(Willow tries to look amused.)
Oz: "But... you're happy?"
Willow: (smiles) "I am. I can't explain it-"
Oz: "It may be safer for both of us if us if you don't."
(Willow looks sad.)
Willow: "I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters... but I didn't have any place to send them, you know?"
(Pause.)
Willow: "I couldn't live like that."
Oz: "It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting."
Willow: "I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?"
Oz: "I know." (Pause) "But now is not that time, I guess."
Willow: (shakes her head) "No."
(They look at each other.)
Willow: "What are you gonna do?"
Oz: "I think I better take off."
Willow: "When?"
Oz: "Pretty much now."
(Willow nods. She's teary again. Oz leans over and they hug.)
He had driven close to 50 miles before he realised he had nowhere to go. For so many months he had single-mindedly pursued his goal, focused on getting back to her as quickly as possible. It had never occurred to him that she would not be waiting. For the hundredth time he cursed himself for arrogance and stupidity. Then, the angry desperation that had fuelled his rush from town abating, he pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the engine. Pausing for a while to collect his scattered thoughts, he realised he was in no fit state to make any sensible decisions about what he should do next, or even where to go. Steeling himself, and filled with uncharacteristic uncertainty, he turned the car around and headed back the way he had come.
He was standing on the doorstep before he remembered that his key had been with the clothes lost when he was captured, and he had already pressed the bell before he realised it was the middle of the night and that his old friends and former band-mates might not appreciate being woken at this hour. He hovered, uncertain whether to stay or go, until the door was opened to reveal a half-asleep Devon.
"Oz," Devon blinked at him, bleary eyed.
"Lost my key," Oz explained, weakly. "Sorry."
Devon rubbed the sleep from his eyes and blinked some more. "Thought you'd skipped out on us again," he said, accusingly.
Oz was too exhausted to offer any excuses. "Almost did," he admitted. "Probably still will."
"Willow?" Devon could be fairly perceptive when he wanted to be. He was also incapable of holding a grudge, especially when not fully awake.
"Willow." Oz agreed, unwilling to go into any details.
"Damn," was all Devon could say. "You're not staying then?"
"No. Sorry." He regretted it more than he knew how to express, seeing every plan he'd ever made for the future collapsing around him. "But if I can crash for the night??"
Devon yawned. "No problem, man." He moved aside to let Oz enter, and followed him into the lounge. "As long as you want. Can't talk you into playing? We got a gig, and the new guy?"
Oz shook his head quickly. "Too high profile." As soon as the words were spoken he realised Devon couldn't know about the danger posed by the Initiative if any of their goons spotted and recognised him, and added, "Don't want to risk running into Willow again." Those two factors combined made staying in town impossible.
Devon sighed. "Damn. That bad?"
"Really is."
"Know what you're gonna do?"
"I have no idea," was all Oz could answer.
After a sleepless night filled with regrets and self-recriminations, Oz said his goodbyes to Devon once again and headed for home. The family had been so upset when he took off without a word last time, he couldn't bring himself to do that to them again, despite the risks involved in staying around town too long. But even indoors, in the middle of trying without success to explain why he couldn't stay, he was unable to focus on the conversation. His eyes and attention kept wandering, to the door, to the windows?
No commandos here, he told himself, sternly. Yet that anxiety churning in the pit of his stomach remained, proof positive that running accidentally into Willow or, worse, her new lover, was by no means the only danger involved in staying in Sunnydale. Not the worst danger, either. His mind shied away from the memory of the soldiers who had captured him, and of the scientists who had poked and prodded at him as though he were of less significance than a lab rat, and he couldn't quite prevent an involuntary shudder. Those aching bruises had been another cause of lost sleep. No. It really was time to leave. The sooner the better.
His parents had been storing most of his stuff since he'd had Devon send it on to them after he left town the last time. He'd felt so guilty about leaving the guys a housemate down, with no idea when he was likely to return, it had occurred to him they might want to find someone else to cover the rent for his room and would therefore want it empty. But now that he had no reason to come back again, he could take it all with him, at least as much as the van would comfortably hold.
Loading the van was another matter, however, and he was annoyed to realise just how on edge he still was, twitching every time someone came around the corner, and flinching with every car that passed. Then, despite his cautious awareness of his surroundings, he started as a voice called his name. Firmly suppressing the urge to panic, he turned, and saw a friendly face wearing a sympathetic smile.
"I thought you'd hit the road again," Xander remarked, mildly.
Too tired to evade questioning, Oz simply said: "I did. I am," and with a tiny shiver added, "Really don't want to get arrested again." He shrugged. "Thought I should get some stuff sorted out first."
"I'm sorry," Xander told him, for once completely serious. "I mean, I'm not sure what exactly happened between you guys, but I'm sorry it didn't work out."
The conversation was fast heading into dangerous territory, and Oz was unwilling to discuss such private and painful matters. "You'd need to talk to Willow about that. Her decision."
Xander took the hint. "So, any idea what you're going to do now?"
"Avoid capture, mostly." Oz tried not to let it show how much the idea worried him. Once had been more than enough. He hadn't made any plans beyond getting out of town. "Thought I'd head north, pick up work along the road." After that he'd just see what happened. In an attempt to lighten the mood, he added: "Hey, Kerouac could be my guide."
Xander smiled at that reminder of the conversation they'd had, a year earlier, in their relatively more carefree high school days. "And the open road your school. Hey, you might even get further than I did."
"Gotta be worth a shot."
"Well, good luck with that," Xander said, sincerely. "Maybe you'll even send a postcard or two this time."
"Maybe. And hey..."
"Yeah?"
"Look after her."
"I will," Xander promised.
As he drove out of town he passed Willow and Tara walking down the street together, talking and laughing softly. It hurt, like a knife twisting in his gut. Just another reminder of why he had to leave. Clamping down on the pain and remorse, hearing the wolf howling deep inside, he determinedly turned his eyes away and drove on, without looking back.
After several weeks of aimless zig-zagging across the state, picking directions at random without ever getting very far, Oz had very nearly stopped worrying each time he saw anyone official looking. After all, the Initiative was a secret Sunnydale outfit, wasn't it? They had better things to worry about and hunt than a single werewolf who'd escaped and skipped town, and it wasn't as if he had 'werewolf' stamped on his forehead for the whole world to see. But life as a hippy drifter had become old real quick, with no destination to aim for and no goals to pursue. There was too much freedom, too much time. Too much guilt and pain to wallow in, and this time there wasn't even the hope of winning her back to cling to. He was sufficiently self-aware to know that he was wallowing in misery in a manner of which his one-time mentor Master Shantou would disapprove heartily, and yet nothing seemed to shake the depression, the sense of futility.
He could feel the full moon growing closer once more, setting every nerve end a-tingle, and couldn't forget that loss of control last month, which had so nearly proved disastrous for so many people. Had proved disastrous. Wolfing out, as he had done, in the middle of the day was the stuff his worst nightmares were made of. He was less sure than ever where the line lay between him and the wolf, but one thing did seem fairly clear: strong negative emotion was a trigger. One he hoped to avoid ever pulling again. But the nagging fear that it could happen again, that all his struggles to find control had been for nothing, ate away at him and the temptation to just give in, to stop fighting it, was intense. He was tired of struggling, of trying so hard to control it with so little reward.
Giving in would be so easy. Too easy: to simply let go of all human attachment and run free, as fellow werewolf Veruca had. It wasn't even as if he had that many human attachments left. Willow had chosen someone else, and with that action had effectively cut him out of the group, even if he could bear to be near her and yet so far. They had been her friends first, and would choose her if necessary. And the commandos running all over Sunnydale prevented him from staying in town with his family and other friends, just as much as the fear of running into Willow or Tara did. He had been cut loose, left to drift with neither rudder nor anchor, and it scared him...
'I'm only a wolf three nights a month.' His own words, spoken months earlier, rang out in his memory, as did Veruca's fierce rejoinder. 'Or you're a wolf all the time and this human face is just your disguise. You ever think about that, Oz? I can help you? You're scared. I was, too. But then I accepted it. The animal, it's powerful, inside me all the time. Soon, you just start to feel sorry for everybody else because they don't know what it's like to be as alive as we are. As free.'
Veruca was another painful memory: the knowledge that he had killed, albeit in defence of Willow, eating away at him whenever he allowed himself to remember it, along with the knowledge that but for Buffy's arrival he would have turned on Willow next. The fight had been consciously begun, but as soon as the wolf emerged all control and consciousness was lost, and that was the one thing he had always feared most: harming someone else while not in control of his actions. It had been perhaps the greatest factor in his decision to leave Willow in search of that non-existent cure for his lycanthropy. But even then, through all those months of travelling and searching, he had never felt so completely alone.
Collecting his wage from the farm where he'd found some casual employment when his funds began to dry up, Oz glanced up at the sky as he headed back to the van, his thoughts weighing heavily on his mind. It was close to moonrise, the night before the full moon. He hadn't planned on hanging around so long on this day of all days, but the promise of extra cash had been too tempting. Now, though, he wanted to get to a more remote spot by the time the moon rose, just in case.
He had been so proud of what he had achieved, so eager to show Willow what he could do: preventing the wolf from manifesting, regardless of the full moon. In retrospect, he realised that the warning signs had been there, specifically her hesitation to allow him close, but he had convinced himself that it was understandable. After what had happened with Veruca, after the way he had left her, it would take time for him to regain her trust. But when both she and Xander assured him there was no other guy he had had no doubt that he could do it, that they could be together again. And then it had happened. Her scent, all over Tara, betraying the awful truth: that he had lost her. And the wolf, frustrated at being denied release and always lurking just below the surface, had found its way out.
All of which left him with a large dilemma now that the full moon was once again upon him. Would his hard-won control hold firm this month? Was that loss of control merely a one-off blip, caused by an intense emotional disturbance? Or was it something that was likely to occur again? Could he ever keep himself safe, and the people around him? Should he allow himself to be close to other people at all?
With the memory of last month still fresh in his mind, Oz had decided to err on the side of caution this time. Lacking any real refuge in case of need, he parked up in a secluded spot well outside of town and prepared for an uncomfortable night. He was fairly sure his control would hold this time, but shackled his wrists just in case. All at once, with the moon rising, the rumbling of his stomach reminded him that he'd forgotten to eat, and he chided himself for such carelessness tonight of all nights. It was too late to worry about it now. Determined not to sleep, for fear of changing while unconscious, he spent a difficult night chanting and meditating as the monks had taught him, and wondered in despair if this was all life could ever offer him. Was he doomed always to live apart from other people, hiding himself away?
On the second night he made sure he was well fed and left the shackles off, reassured by the previous night's success. His thoughts remained a whirl of uncertainty, however, as he tried to cling to what the monks had taught him about keeping his inner cool.
He'd told Willow she was the one thing that could trigger the wolf. Actually, that wasn't quite true. It was the intense emotion surrounding her that he found so hard to control. Since she was the only person, the only thing, he'd ever felt so strongly about, he was fairly sure he could keep his cool as long as he avoided Willow and all thoughts thereof. But on the other hand, the scientists at the Initiative had succeeded in bringing forth the wolf by judicious use of what they termed 'negative stimulation'. Pain, in other words. It was not a good memory. Keeping the inner cool had not been so easy with that going on, either.
It was worrying to imagine what else could set it off. If the wolf could emerge in broad daylight at the right time of month, could it also emerge at a totally different stage of the moon's cycle given the right ? or wrong - circumstances? But those kinds of thoughts were a whole different can of worms that he did not want to open. Things were bad enough as they were. He would stick to worrying about the full moon, and keep himself as far as possible from all possibility of emotional upset until he'd thought of a better way of handling things.
But the third night presented a whole new problem for his consideration. He'd settled in for the night, relieved that soon it would all be over for another month, when a harsh voice from outside the van interrupted his thoughts.
"Well, looky-looky what we got here."
He could hear someone ? or several someones ? trying to get into the van, testing all the doors, rocking it on its wheels. Alarmed, he scrambled to his feet ? something a taller person might find tricky in that confined space ? and cautiously peered out of the nearest window.
Vampires. Three of them, in fact. And here he was all alone in the middle of nowhere, a sitting target.
He headed for the front of the van, intending to drive away from danger as fast as possible, but before he could scramble into the cab the front windshield smashed, allowing one of the vamps to crawl into the van with him. He backed away hurriedly.
"Camping out all alone not such a good idea, no?" the vampire sneered as it advanced, grinning nastily, fangs gleaming brightly in the moonlight.
Oz's heart sank, but he had little time for despair before the vampire was upon him and then it was a fight for life ? no time to stop and think. All he could do was react, and try to stay alive.
Emotional control was pretty much impossible in this situation, too, a distant part of his brain reflected with clinical detachment. Frantically scrambling away, jabbing an elbow into the vampire's throat in a futile attempt to keep it off him and seeing in the corner of his eye a second vampire clambering through the broken window, he could feel the wolf rising up, threatening to take over?
It became a two-way battle ? with the vampires and his own inner self. This was not a situation the monks had prepared him for. Of course, it could be argued that the vampires deserved to be ripped apart by a werewolf, but it was what the wolf might do after that that worried him too much to allow it. Struggling for control and gasping for breath under the onslaught, he forced the wolf back down with an almost physical effort, but at the same time ? completely instinctively and without any intention of doing so ? leaned into its strength, made use of its power. The feeling was exhilarating, yet terrifying. Throwing the vampire off him with more strength than he had ever before manifested in human form, he wrenched the rear doors open and almost fell out.
Of course, one of the vampires was still out there with him, and the other two wouldn't be long joining them.
Three against one was not a fight he had any chance of winning if it went on for too long, even if he knew how he'd tapped into the wolf's strength like that and was prepared to experiment with trying to repeat it. All he could do was duck, roll and weave, and try to get back to the van and take off before they could follow. He got lucky with one, catching it off balance and sending it stumbling into a handy tree with a wonderfully positioned low branch. By pure fluke, it was impaled through the heart and went to dust.
One down. Two to go, and they had him surrounded, cut off from the van.
Sheer dumb luck appeared to be with him tonight. One of the vampires seemed quite prepared to taunt and play at the fight all night, but the other was tiring of the game fast and rushed at him. Expecting every moment to be his last, Oz managed to duck under its grasp and swung around as he straightened, grabbing it by the arm and shoving it as hard as he could at its companion. Taken by surprise, both went down like skittles.
But they wouldn't stay down for long. Oz seized the all too brief opportunity and ran for it, scrambling back into the van and frantically searching for the keys. After what seemed an eternity his fingers closed over them at last and he dived for the front seat. Already one of the vampires was climbing onto the front hood again, while the other made for the open door at the back as his shaking fingers fumbled to get the key into the ignition.
Despite all he'd put it through over the past few months, the van started first time. Oz silently blessed it, and any deity or saint who chose to claim credit. Shoving the gear stick first into drive and then reverse in rapid succession, he succeeded in dislodging the vampire in front of him before it could climb back in through the broken windshield, while the other one was jerked back out through the open rear doors. Then he drove, as fast as he could and careless of what belongings were falling out of the van in the process, aiming for anywhere but here. He kept going until he was sure he had lost them.
Bringing the van to a halt at last, he leaned his head against the steering wheel and took a few deep breaths, fighting to regain his usual composure. That had been way too close.
Now that it was all over, he had time for some self-recrimination ? as well as a moment of pride at having succeeded in preventing the change under such extreme circumstances. But he felt he should never have allowed that situation to occur. He could usually smell vampires coming if he was paying attention, but those ones had crept up on him with no trouble at all. That was what came of too much introspection, of losing awareness of his surroundings. Maybe hanging around remote areas in dead of night wasn't such a good idea after all. It certainly wasn't a practical long-term solution.
What would be a practical long-term solution wasn't something he felt able to decide just yet, but with the full moon behind him for another month he decided it was time to get away from these isolated areas he'd been sticking to since leaving Sunnydale. Maybe losing himself in a crowded city would work? San Francisco was the nearest big city ? he snorted at the thought. A whole month of travelling and this was as far as his meandering path had brought him. Of course, he'd travelled slowly and stopped frequently, taking work when it was available while avoiding other people as much as possible. People had a bad habit of asking questions that he didn't feel up to answering.
The city would be full of people, but he didn't have to speak to them or answer any questions. And there would be less chance of getting caught out like last night. And he could maybe even treat himself to a proper bed for a night or two, if he had sufficient funds after getting the van fixed.
It occurred to him that if he was prepared to settle down somewhere, there would be no need to sleep in the van so often: he could get a job, find someplace permanent to stay. But that would mean making decisions about the future, and that meant facing issues he really didn't want to face just yet. It was better to just take one day at a time and keep moving.
With all this in mind, he set off again.
Disclaimer: Oz does not belong to me. I am just borrowing him until the voices go away. The characters I made up are mine alone. I am making no profit from this in the monetary sense, although the satisfaction of completion is profit of a sort.
Feedback: This is always both welcome and useful, particularly when constructive.
(with special guest stars: Devon and Xander ? also property of Joss Whedon)
This story directly follows the Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode 4.19: New Moon Rising, aired May 2000.
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
Willow: "Oz ... Don't you love me?"
Oz: (Holding her, pressing his forehead to hers as she sobs.) "My whole life... I've never loved anything else."
?Oz is captured by the Initiative, and the Scoobies rescue him...
Oz: "I shouldn't have come back now.... I just thought I'd changed."
Willow: "You have changed." (Smiles) "You stopped the wolf from coming out. I saw it."
Oz: "But I couldn't look at you." (He still can't.) "I mean, it turns out ... the one thing that brings it out in me is you... which falls under the heading of ironic in my book."
Willow: "It was my fault. I upset you."
(He finally looks at her.)
Oz: "Well, so we're safe then," (sarcastic) "cause you'll never do that again."
(Willow tries to look amused.)
Oz: "But... you're happy?"
Willow: (smiles) "I am. I can't explain it-"
Oz: "It may be safer for both of us if us if you don't."
(Willow looks sad.)
Willow: "I missed you, Oz. I wrote you so many letters... but I didn't have any place to send them, you know?"
(Pause.)
Willow: "I couldn't live like that."
Oz: "It was stupid to think that you'd just be... waiting."
Willow: "I was waiting. I feel like some part of me will always be waiting for you. Like if I'm old and blue-haired, and I turn the corner in Istanbul and there you are, I won't be surprised. Because... you're with me, you know?"
Oz: "I know." (Pause) "But now is not that time, I guess."
Willow: (shakes her head) "No."
(They look at each other.)
Willow: "What are you gonna do?"
Oz: "I think I better take off."
Willow: "When?"
Oz: "Pretty much now."
(Willow nods. She's teary again. Oz leans over and they hug.)
*****
Starting Over
Part 1
*****
Starting Over
Part 1
*****
He had driven close to 50 miles before he realised he had nowhere to go. For so many months he had single-mindedly pursued his goal, focused on getting back to her as quickly as possible. It had never occurred to him that she would not be waiting. For the hundredth time he cursed himself for arrogance and stupidity. Then, the angry desperation that had fuelled his rush from town abating, he pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the engine. Pausing for a while to collect his scattered thoughts, he realised he was in no fit state to make any sensible decisions about what he should do next, or even where to go. Steeling himself, and filled with uncharacteristic uncertainty, he turned the car around and headed back the way he had come.
He was standing on the doorstep before he remembered that his key had been with the clothes lost when he was captured, and he had already pressed the bell before he realised it was the middle of the night and that his old friends and former band-mates might not appreciate being woken at this hour. He hovered, uncertain whether to stay or go, until the door was opened to reveal a half-asleep Devon.
"Oz," Devon blinked at him, bleary eyed.
"Lost my key," Oz explained, weakly. "Sorry."
Devon rubbed the sleep from his eyes and blinked some more. "Thought you'd skipped out on us again," he said, accusingly.
Oz was too exhausted to offer any excuses. "Almost did," he admitted. "Probably still will."
"Willow?" Devon could be fairly perceptive when he wanted to be. He was also incapable of holding a grudge, especially when not fully awake.
"Willow." Oz agreed, unwilling to go into any details.
"Damn," was all Devon could say. "You're not staying then?"
"No. Sorry." He regretted it more than he knew how to express, seeing every plan he'd ever made for the future collapsing around him. "But if I can crash for the night??"
Devon yawned. "No problem, man." He moved aside to let Oz enter, and followed him into the lounge. "As long as you want. Can't talk you into playing? We got a gig, and the new guy?"
Oz shook his head quickly. "Too high profile." As soon as the words were spoken he realised Devon couldn't know about the danger posed by the Initiative if any of their goons spotted and recognised him, and added, "Don't want to risk running into Willow again." Those two factors combined made staying in town impossible.
Devon sighed. "Damn. That bad?"
"Really is."
"Know what you're gonna do?"
"I have no idea," was all Oz could answer.
*****
After a sleepless night filled with regrets and self-recriminations, Oz said his goodbyes to Devon once again and headed for home. The family had been so upset when he took off without a word last time, he couldn't bring himself to do that to them again, despite the risks involved in staying around town too long. But even indoors, in the middle of trying without success to explain why he couldn't stay, he was unable to focus on the conversation. His eyes and attention kept wandering, to the door, to the windows?
No commandos here, he told himself, sternly. Yet that anxiety churning in the pit of his stomach remained, proof positive that running accidentally into Willow or, worse, her new lover, was by no means the only danger involved in staying in Sunnydale. Not the worst danger, either. His mind shied away from the memory of the soldiers who had captured him, and of the scientists who had poked and prodded at him as though he were of less significance than a lab rat, and he couldn't quite prevent an involuntary shudder. Those aching bruises had been another cause of lost sleep. No. It really was time to leave. The sooner the better.
His parents had been storing most of his stuff since he'd had Devon send it on to them after he left town the last time. He'd felt so guilty about leaving the guys a housemate down, with no idea when he was likely to return, it had occurred to him they might want to find someone else to cover the rent for his room and would therefore want it empty. But now that he had no reason to come back again, he could take it all with him, at least as much as the van would comfortably hold.
Loading the van was another matter, however, and he was annoyed to realise just how on edge he still was, twitching every time someone came around the corner, and flinching with every car that passed. Then, despite his cautious awareness of his surroundings, he started as a voice called his name. Firmly suppressing the urge to panic, he turned, and saw a friendly face wearing a sympathetic smile.
"I thought you'd hit the road again," Xander remarked, mildly.
Too tired to evade questioning, Oz simply said: "I did. I am," and with a tiny shiver added, "Really don't want to get arrested again." He shrugged. "Thought I should get some stuff sorted out first."
"I'm sorry," Xander told him, for once completely serious. "I mean, I'm not sure what exactly happened between you guys, but I'm sorry it didn't work out."
The conversation was fast heading into dangerous territory, and Oz was unwilling to discuss such private and painful matters. "You'd need to talk to Willow about that. Her decision."
Xander took the hint. "So, any idea what you're going to do now?"
"Avoid capture, mostly." Oz tried not to let it show how much the idea worried him. Once had been more than enough. He hadn't made any plans beyond getting out of town. "Thought I'd head north, pick up work along the road." After that he'd just see what happened. In an attempt to lighten the mood, he added: "Hey, Kerouac could be my guide."
Xander smiled at that reminder of the conversation they'd had, a year earlier, in their relatively more carefree high school days. "And the open road your school. Hey, you might even get further than I did."
"Gotta be worth a shot."
"Well, good luck with that," Xander said, sincerely. "Maybe you'll even send a postcard or two this time."
"Maybe. And hey..."
"Yeah?"
"Look after her."
"I will," Xander promised.
*****
As he drove out of town he passed Willow and Tara walking down the street together, talking and laughing softly. It hurt, like a knife twisting in his gut. Just another reminder of why he had to leave. Clamping down on the pain and remorse, hearing the wolf howling deep inside, he determinedly turned his eyes away and drove on, without looking back.
*****
After several weeks of aimless zig-zagging across the state, picking directions at random without ever getting very far, Oz had very nearly stopped worrying each time he saw anyone official looking. After all, the Initiative was a secret Sunnydale outfit, wasn't it? They had better things to worry about and hunt than a single werewolf who'd escaped and skipped town, and it wasn't as if he had 'werewolf' stamped on his forehead for the whole world to see. But life as a hippy drifter had become old real quick, with no destination to aim for and no goals to pursue. There was too much freedom, too much time. Too much guilt and pain to wallow in, and this time there wasn't even the hope of winning her back to cling to. He was sufficiently self-aware to know that he was wallowing in misery in a manner of which his one-time mentor Master Shantou would disapprove heartily, and yet nothing seemed to shake the depression, the sense of futility.
He could feel the full moon growing closer once more, setting every nerve end a-tingle, and couldn't forget that loss of control last month, which had so nearly proved disastrous for so many people. Had proved disastrous. Wolfing out, as he had done, in the middle of the day was the stuff his worst nightmares were made of. He was less sure than ever where the line lay between him and the wolf, but one thing did seem fairly clear: strong negative emotion was a trigger. One he hoped to avoid ever pulling again. But the nagging fear that it could happen again, that all his struggles to find control had been for nothing, ate away at him and the temptation to just give in, to stop fighting it, was intense. He was tired of struggling, of trying so hard to control it with so little reward.
Giving in would be so easy. Too easy: to simply let go of all human attachment and run free, as fellow werewolf Veruca had. It wasn't even as if he had that many human attachments left. Willow had chosen someone else, and with that action had effectively cut him out of the group, even if he could bear to be near her and yet so far. They had been her friends first, and would choose her if necessary. And the commandos running all over Sunnydale prevented him from staying in town with his family and other friends, just as much as the fear of running into Willow or Tara did. He had been cut loose, left to drift with neither rudder nor anchor, and it scared him...
'I'm only a wolf three nights a month.' His own words, spoken months earlier, rang out in his memory, as did Veruca's fierce rejoinder. 'Or you're a wolf all the time and this human face is just your disguise. You ever think about that, Oz? I can help you? You're scared. I was, too. But then I accepted it. The animal, it's powerful, inside me all the time. Soon, you just start to feel sorry for everybody else because they don't know what it's like to be as alive as we are. As free.'
Veruca was another painful memory: the knowledge that he had killed, albeit in defence of Willow, eating away at him whenever he allowed himself to remember it, along with the knowledge that but for Buffy's arrival he would have turned on Willow next. The fight had been consciously begun, but as soon as the wolf emerged all control and consciousness was lost, and that was the one thing he had always feared most: harming someone else while not in control of his actions. It had been perhaps the greatest factor in his decision to leave Willow in search of that non-existent cure for his lycanthropy. But even then, through all those months of travelling and searching, he had never felt so completely alone.
Collecting his wage from the farm where he'd found some casual employment when his funds began to dry up, Oz glanced up at the sky as he headed back to the van, his thoughts weighing heavily on his mind. It was close to moonrise, the night before the full moon. He hadn't planned on hanging around so long on this day of all days, but the promise of extra cash had been too tempting. Now, though, he wanted to get to a more remote spot by the time the moon rose, just in case.
He had been so proud of what he had achieved, so eager to show Willow what he could do: preventing the wolf from manifesting, regardless of the full moon. In retrospect, he realised that the warning signs had been there, specifically her hesitation to allow him close, but he had convinced himself that it was understandable. After what had happened with Veruca, after the way he had left her, it would take time for him to regain her trust. But when both she and Xander assured him there was no other guy he had had no doubt that he could do it, that they could be together again. And then it had happened. Her scent, all over Tara, betraying the awful truth: that he had lost her. And the wolf, frustrated at being denied release and always lurking just below the surface, had found its way out.
All of which left him with a large dilemma now that the full moon was once again upon him. Would his hard-won control hold firm this month? Was that loss of control merely a one-off blip, caused by an intense emotional disturbance? Or was it something that was likely to occur again? Could he ever keep himself safe, and the people around him? Should he allow himself to be close to other people at all?
With the memory of last month still fresh in his mind, Oz had decided to err on the side of caution this time. Lacking any real refuge in case of need, he parked up in a secluded spot well outside of town and prepared for an uncomfortable night. He was fairly sure his control would hold this time, but shackled his wrists just in case. All at once, with the moon rising, the rumbling of his stomach reminded him that he'd forgotten to eat, and he chided himself for such carelessness tonight of all nights. It was too late to worry about it now. Determined not to sleep, for fear of changing while unconscious, he spent a difficult night chanting and meditating as the monks had taught him, and wondered in despair if this was all life could ever offer him. Was he doomed always to live apart from other people, hiding himself away?
On the second night he made sure he was well fed and left the shackles off, reassured by the previous night's success. His thoughts remained a whirl of uncertainty, however, as he tried to cling to what the monks had taught him about keeping his inner cool.
He'd told Willow she was the one thing that could trigger the wolf. Actually, that wasn't quite true. It was the intense emotion surrounding her that he found so hard to control. Since she was the only person, the only thing, he'd ever felt so strongly about, he was fairly sure he could keep his cool as long as he avoided Willow and all thoughts thereof. But on the other hand, the scientists at the Initiative had succeeded in bringing forth the wolf by judicious use of what they termed 'negative stimulation'. Pain, in other words. It was not a good memory. Keeping the inner cool had not been so easy with that going on, either.
It was worrying to imagine what else could set it off. If the wolf could emerge in broad daylight at the right time of month, could it also emerge at a totally different stage of the moon's cycle given the right ? or wrong - circumstances? But those kinds of thoughts were a whole different can of worms that he did not want to open. Things were bad enough as they were. He would stick to worrying about the full moon, and keep himself as far as possible from all possibility of emotional upset until he'd thought of a better way of handling things.
But the third night presented a whole new problem for his consideration. He'd settled in for the night, relieved that soon it would all be over for another month, when a harsh voice from outside the van interrupted his thoughts.
"Well, looky-looky what we got here."
He could hear someone ? or several someones ? trying to get into the van, testing all the doors, rocking it on its wheels. Alarmed, he scrambled to his feet ? something a taller person might find tricky in that confined space ? and cautiously peered out of the nearest window.
Vampires. Three of them, in fact. And here he was all alone in the middle of nowhere, a sitting target.
He headed for the front of the van, intending to drive away from danger as fast as possible, but before he could scramble into the cab the front windshield smashed, allowing one of the vamps to crawl into the van with him. He backed away hurriedly.
"Camping out all alone not such a good idea, no?" the vampire sneered as it advanced, grinning nastily, fangs gleaming brightly in the moonlight.
Oz's heart sank, but he had little time for despair before the vampire was upon him and then it was a fight for life ? no time to stop and think. All he could do was react, and try to stay alive.
Emotional control was pretty much impossible in this situation, too, a distant part of his brain reflected with clinical detachment. Frantically scrambling away, jabbing an elbow into the vampire's throat in a futile attempt to keep it off him and seeing in the corner of his eye a second vampire clambering through the broken window, he could feel the wolf rising up, threatening to take over?
It became a two-way battle ? with the vampires and his own inner self. This was not a situation the monks had prepared him for. Of course, it could be argued that the vampires deserved to be ripped apart by a werewolf, but it was what the wolf might do after that that worried him too much to allow it. Struggling for control and gasping for breath under the onslaught, he forced the wolf back down with an almost physical effort, but at the same time ? completely instinctively and without any intention of doing so ? leaned into its strength, made use of its power. The feeling was exhilarating, yet terrifying. Throwing the vampire off him with more strength than he had ever before manifested in human form, he wrenched the rear doors open and almost fell out.
Of course, one of the vampires was still out there with him, and the other two wouldn't be long joining them.
Three against one was not a fight he had any chance of winning if it went on for too long, even if he knew how he'd tapped into the wolf's strength like that and was prepared to experiment with trying to repeat it. All he could do was duck, roll and weave, and try to get back to the van and take off before they could follow. He got lucky with one, catching it off balance and sending it stumbling into a handy tree with a wonderfully positioned low branch. By pure fluke, it was impaled through the heart and went to dust.
One down. Two to go, and they had him surrounded, cut off from the van.
Sheer dumb luck appeared to be with him tonight. One of the vampires seemed quite prepared to taunt and play at the fight all night, but the other was tiring of the game fast and rushed at him. Expecting every moment to be his last, Oz managed to duck under its grasp and swung around as he straightened, grabbing it by the arm and shoving it as hard as he could at its companion. Taken by surprise, both went down like skittles.
But they wouldn't stay down for long. Oz seized the all too brief opportunity and ran for it, scrambling back into the van and frantically searching for the keys. After what seemed an eternity his fingers closed over them at last and he dived for the front seat. Already one of the vampires was climbing onto the front hood again, while the other made for the open door at the back as his shaking fingers fumbled to get the key into the ignition.
Despite all he'd put it through over the past few months, the van started first time. Oz silently blessed it, and any deity or saint who chose to claim credit. Shoving the gear stick first into drive and then reverse in rapid succession, he succeeded in dislodging the vampire in front of him before it could climb back in through the broken windshield, while the other one was jerked back out through the open rear doors. Then he drove, as fast as he could and careless of what belongings were falling out of the van in the process, aiming for anywhere but here. He kept going until he was sure he had lost them.
Bringing the van to a halt at last, he leaned his head against the steering wheel and took a few deep breaths, fighting to regain his usual composure. That had been way too close.
Now that it was all over, he had time for some self-recrimination ? as well as a moment of pride at having succeeded in preventing the change under such extreme circumstances. But he felt he should never have allowed that situation to occur. He could usually smell vampires coming if he was paying attention, but those ones had crept up on him with no trouble at all. That was what came of too much introspection, of losing awareness of his surroundings. Maybe hanging around remote areas in dead of night wasn't such a good idea after all. It certainly wasn't a practical long-term solution.
What would be a practical long-term solution wasn't something he felt able to decide just yet, but with the full moon behind him for another month he decided it was time to get away from these isolated areas he'd been sticking to since leaving Sunnydale. Maybe losing himself in a crowded city would work? San Francisco was the nearest big city ? he snorted at the thought. A whole month of travelling and this was as far as his meandering path had brought him. Of course, he'd travelled slowly and stopped frequently, taking work when it was available while avoiding other people as much as possible. People had a bad habit of asking questions that he didn't feel up to answering.
The city would be full of people, but he didn't have to speak to them or answer any questions. And there would be less chance of getting caught out like last night. And he could maybe even treat himself to a proper bed for a night or two, if he had sufficient funds after getting the van fixed.
It occurred to him that if he was prepared to settle down somewhere, there would be no need to sleep in the van so often: he could get a job, find someplace permanent to stay. But that would mean making decisions about the future, and that meant facing issues he really didn't want to face just yet. It was better to just take one day at a time and keep moving.
With all this in mind, he set off again.
*****
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