Feedback for Mabus

[Llywela]

Post feedback for Mabus in here

[Mabus]

Hmm. I should get my act together.

Some items that were on Buffyworld are probably not going to be reprinted here, either because they were unfinished and I do not expect to complete them any time soon, or because I am not pleased with their quality.

That said:

Memorial in a Motel Room My first piece at BWF. It went largely unnoticed there, and I am not entirely happy with it, but it's received some nice comments here.

Rest: a dream piece with a twist. It was the first piece I did at BWF to receive any recognition--a rep hit from Kirsi for the poetic imagery.

Bringing Gifts An AU piece set in S6, that is well-known enough now that I may as well dispense with spoiler tags and admit that it includes Dawn and Tara as vampires. My first attempt at portraying a vamp!Tara.

All in Her Mind A recent "retconDawn" ficlet set during "Nightmares".

The Djinni Asked Me How I Wanted to Die
Two Boats and a Helicopter--a pair of experimental fics in which Buffy is 90. Though loosely related, they are essentially independent; there may be a third installment eventually. I entered the second in the Written, but it lost to Tangent's.

Blue Shift
If you swore off Joss forever when Tara died...don't read this.
There is always something worse.

Dark Field
A tale of the far, far future. We have seen the First Slayer. For every first...
There must be a Last.

Other Worlds Than These
A Buffy/Dark Tower crossover fic. Nuff said.

Slayage
A set of DeadWar related drabbles.

Bond
Contains Willow, vamp!Tara, and BDSM. Falls into the "I can't believe I wrote this" category.
Oh, and the subbie? Probably not who you're thinking.

Beauty and Beasts
A Buffyverse fairytale.

Early Warning
Anyone out there remember "The Monster Squad"? Buffy does.
Too bad it doesn't look like she's gonna listen. Contains potential S8 spoilers.

Hell Mouth
Four drabbles about the long, long fight against the darkness.

Some drabbles:
Working with Chimps
Something I Ate
Anointed
Hellfire
Dabbler
And a long listing...
Drabbles

And the DeadWar series, beginning with the award-winning Shadow Sun, which was originally a stand-alone and was my first victory in the Written. (I hope for many more. )
Damn Nation
What Puzzles the Will
Out of Sight
Out of Mind
Mercykiller
Glimmers of Dark
Strangers on the Bus
If Immortality Unveil
Transits
Schism 1.01: Compromised
Constitution of Silence
Haven 1.01: Kill All the Lawyers
Schism 1.02: Tell Me All Your Thoughts on Gog
Be Good, Sweet Maid
Haven 1.02 In Depth
Schism 1.03 Rough Edges
Strange Aeons
Haven 1.03 Disturb the Universe
Schism 1.04 Generation of Vipers
And Having Writ
Haven 1.04 Facilis Descensus Averni
Schism 1.05 Judgement Call
Burden of Proof
Haven 1.05 The Lion and the Ox
Schism 1.06: Silverware
Magic Markers
Haven 1.06: Worker's Paradise
Schism 1.07: Facade
Quintessence of Dust
Haven 1.07: Pay No Attention to That Man Behind the Monster
Schism 1.08: Vicious Circle
Red Right Arm
Haven 1.08: Great and Terrible
Schism 1.09: Outcast
So Farewell Hope
Haven 1.09: Bleeding Kansas
Schism 1.10: A Desert Called Peace
Refuge of Lies
Haven 1.10: Grey
Sonrise
Thou Profoundest Hell
Perpetual Angelus
The Iron Way
Zero Summer
Hell's Heart
Hate's Sake
And Round Perdition's Flames
Last Gleaming
Epilogue: All the Live-Long Day

[tangent]

I'd just like to say a few words about the Deadwar series. This has to be one of the most original and well thought out concept in the fic section. I won't go into specific's for those that have never come across it but it is definitely something that everyone should read.

[Mabus]

I'd just like to say a few words about the Deadwar series. This has to be one of the most original and well thought out concept in the fic section. I won't go into specific's for those that have never come across it but it is definitely something that everyone should read.

Thank you, Mark. When I set out to write DeadWar, I was reasonably sure I was heading into uncharted waters--or something like, at least. I have seen fics involving some of the ideas in DeadWar, but never put together in this combination. Of course, that could mean I'm not writing to a very large audience....

[ferdy-m]

Thank you, Mark. When I set out to write DeadWar, I was reasonably sure I was heading into uncharted waters--or something like, at least. I have seen fics involving some of the ideas in DeadWar, but never put together in this combination. Of course, that could mean I'm not writing to a very large audience....

With the combo of uncharted waters and the quality of DeadWar, it's worth checking you've made it clear the concept (although not joss's characters of course) belong to you. A sad fact that the better the idea, the more likely some little bugger will try and nick it ... it's a sign of good stuff, but not enough respeck!

I think just saying something along the lines that the DeadWar concept is your dolly in the disclaimer is OK (and about all we can do) for web-based fanfic material. Jo protects "Monico" with the right words - you could check with her?

[Mabus]

With the combo of uncharted waters and the quality of DeadWar, it's worth checking you've made it clear the concept (although not joss's characters of course) belong to you. A sad fact that the better the idea, the more likely some little bugger will try and nick it ... it's a sign of good stuff, but not enough respeck!

I think just saying something along the lines that the DeadWar concept is your dolly in the disclaimer is OK (and about all we can do) for web-based fanfic material. Jo protects "Monico" with the right words - you could check with her?

That's a very good idea, Ferdy. And I think there's a bit of quiet praise hidden in there somewhere--thanks!

[Sassy]

I finished reading what you have posted of DeadWar just a few seconds ago. I love the concept of it, it is well written, and the characters are in-character. I look forward to reading more!

[Mabus]

I finished reading what you have posted of DeadWar just a few seconds ago. I love the concept of it, it is well written, and the characters are in-character. I look forward to reading more!

Thanks muchly, Sassy. The next installment is in beta as we speak.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Just read "they like to watch her strut" - interesting to see Illyria from Harmony's point of view. Somehow, they're not all that different...both completely self centred and unaware of the needs of others. Liked the "am I walking incorrectly" line. And the strangled sound

Oh, and the reduction of Wes' complex anguished feelings for Fred/illlyria to "Wes was such a perv". Snerk!

[Mabus]

Just read "they like to watch her strut" - interesting to see Illyria from Harmony's point of view. Somehow, they're not all that different...both completely self centred and unaware of the needs of others. Liked the "am I walking incorrectly" line. And the strangled sound

Oh, and the reduction of Wes' complex anguished feelings for Fred/illlyria to "Wes was such a perv". Snerk!

I almost wonder if I shouldn't have done that one as a longer ficlet. I kept having to cut context out of what was happening.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

I almost wonder if I shouldn't have done that one as a longer ficlet. I kept having to cut context out of what was happening.

Why don't you expand it? I like drabbles as a discipline thing, but if what you want to say needs more words...treat yourself to more words.

[Mabus]

Why don't you expand it? I like drabbles as a discipline thing, but if what you want to say needs more words...treat yourself to more words.

I was in a hurry last night. Sometimes editing takes more time, but in this case the shorter fic was...um...shorter. Perhaps I should expand it to make clear what's going on...as I seem to have confused just about everyone. Even myself.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

I was in a hurry last night. Sometimes editing takes more time, but in this case the shorter fic was...um...shorter. Perhaps I should expand it to make clear what's going on...as I seem to have confused just about everyone. Even myself.

Heh. I probably just wasn't reading carefully enough. But as I said ..I liek the idea of Harmony reducing complex ideas about Wes's response to Illyria to "Wes = perv".

[Valyssia]

I had an absolute blast reading the Dead War series as it sits. Your Buffy Vamp... Big fun! Very imaginative.

You actually caused me to walk away from the machine at least once for a cuppa with the raw, visceral aspect of her nature. It takes a lot to cause me to regroup.

In addition I absolutely loved the piece Memorial in a Motel Room. It's a very amusing, fast little read that caused me to chuckle at least once.

That's really the beauty of what you do though... The humorous elements are very chuckle worthy, they blend nicely with the violence. (sometimes in the violence) Both of these elements fall nicely into place in a well thought out, complex plot line.

Very well done!

My only complaint might be that your Willow might be just a little too Willow. She seems to be on edge about 95% of the time. Very insecure still in what she knows and does. I might move her forward one more tile. It just didn't feel quite right to me. Maybe it's just the expectation that's been placed on her showing through in your writing? She's not so much for the idea of being in the spotlight. I dunno...

Otherwise the character voices are very crisp not that hers isn't...it's just too...Willowy...

Valyssia

[Mabus]

Glad you're enjoying it. I'm having some trouble with Transits, but hopefully I should be able to move it along soon.

*nods* I hadn't heard that comment about my Willow before (everyone seems to pick one character who's a little off, so I try not to take it too seriously, or unseriously either), but it does make some sense. Will's in a really bad place at the moment, at least in DeadWar; one of her best friends is a mentally-unstable vampire and the other is being less than open-minded about just about everything. She's got the weight of the world on her shoulders and not a lot of help carrying it.

Now, if you mean in my other fic too...I honestly don't know. It's been a while since I've seen much Buffy, so maybe I'm overdoing it a bit.

[Valyssia]

*nods* I hadn't heard that comment about my Willow before (everyone seems to pick one character who's a little off, so I try not to take it too seriously, or unseriously either), but it does make some sense. Will's in a really bad place at the moment, at least in DeadWar; one of her best friends is a mentally-unstable vampire and the other is being less than open-minded about just about everything. She's got the weight of the world on her shoulders and not a lot of help carrying it.

I was just referring to the Dead War stuff.

Gosh, don't even think I was tryin' ta bust your chops. Not even...not ever...

Here's the thing... Will has two triggers for Willowy in my observation/ opinion.

1. I'm trying to be cute to lighten the mood or be endearing.

2. I'm nervous as hell because something just broke, exploded or tried to eat me.

It's an on/ off thing... When off her language is very plain with hints of higher education and minor quirks due to geography.

None of the scoobies seem to pull the -y thing ex: ramagagey unless they are trying to lighten mood or be cute.

Hope this is helpful...if it's just plain annoying then...feel free to ignore...or send your ebil wench after me. A symbolic Valyssia flaying would be very amusing to read.

Val

[LRae12]

Hey Lee...well, I've read the first two episodes (and Shadow Sun)

Pretty good storytelling. I like how you've written Illyira - she sounds true to the character, as does Dawn and Giles.

I find it interesting that you might be pairing up Dawn/Connor and Illyria/Xander...

The only thing that bugs me is the tense...for some reason reading in the present tense throws me off. I guess I'm used to most books and fiction I read written in the past tense...like Buffy opened a package of blood instead of opens...but other than that, the series is off to a great start.

I need to take a break from reading now, because i'm getting a headache from looking at the computer screen too long...but I'll read some more later.

[Mabus]

Thanks, LRae.

Dawn/Connor was a suggestion I picked up from people who thought their histories matched up well. Xander/Illyria started as a kind of joke...demon-magnet Xander gets more than he can handle...but it's developed into something more. I think you'll see where it's going before long.

You're not the first person to object to the tense. I'm afraid it will continue for some time, but I've abandoned it starting in "Transits". Initially, using it in "Shadow Sun" was an immediacy thing, to amp up the intensity. Then when I started "Damn Nation", I wanted to fool readers into thinking Harmony was Buffy, and I kept it..After that, though, I couldn't find a good place to shift it to past tense until "If Immortality Unveil", where I made use of dream sequences to shift things around.

[LRae12]

hmmmmm...I guess any time is a good time.

I just finished reading the third installment...I must admit that I didn't understand the whole Kendra thing very well until closer to the end. But I loved that you used the line 'dear god' So very Giles.

I think the tense thing is only part of my objection...it's confusing when a character stops talking and starts thinking in the third person...just a suggestion, but when a character is thinking thoughts, perhaps switching it to the first person...I don't know if I'm making sense...

How gross was what Buffy did to Anne? Damn, she's one sick puppy, isn't she?

Faith's character is coming along - you've definitely mastered her...and Xander sounded like Xander, too...I could actually picture him saying what he said to Willow about the thing wearing Buffy's face.

Ok...I'm all set for episode 4...

[Mabus]

I think the tense thing is only part of my objection...it's confusing when a character stops talking and starts thinking in the third person...just a suggestion, but when a character is thinking thoughts, perhaps switching it to the first person...I don't know if I'm making sense...

I really don't know what you mean by this. Got an example?

How gross was what Buffy did to Anne? Damn, she's one sick puppy, isn't she?

Oh, yeah....Buffy is terribly twisted up in this fic.