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[Nikki]

Post your feedback for kjhurd15's fics in here.

[kjhurd15]

SERENITY COVE

Banner Made By BlasterBoy

Summary: Serenity Cove is a small quiet town in sunny California. A young man, Seth Masterson has lost a loved one in girlfriend Gretchen Meyers and soon mourns her. Now he tries bringing her back but is soon double crossed and turned into a half demon. He then fights evil and the forces of darkness to finally find the demon that double-crossed him and get the ultimate revenge. Along the way he will gain allies and enemies who want to see him dead or alive.

Main Cast:
Ryan Merriman as Seth Masterson
Thomas Dekker as Emerson Woodson
Rachel Skarsten as Noa DeRubia
And Dominic Purcell as Dante Rinehart

Recurring:
Emily VanCamp as Gretchen Meyers
Kirsten Prout as Anna Robson
Percy Daggs III as Tyson O’Reilly


Episodes
1.01:Ressurection
Released:6/14/09
1.02:Shadows
Released: 7/19/09
1.03:Childs Play
1.04:The Enemy of my Enemy
1.05:Breaking Point
MORE TO COME.........

[Dark Ages]

Hey!!! So I read episode one and I'm gonna give u some feedback.

Things I likes.
The characters were good and the action scenes were pretty good. Also I do like Krista. She's great. I love that scene when they're all talking and they bring up X-Men.

Well the other things. I felt that the storyline and the characters were forced together. Also a thing that raised a red flag was that some of the characters knew things about other characters without that character telling them. (If you get what I mean) The original characters seemed out of character. Also Connor and Marty's relationship seemed way tooooo friendly. Like a marriage. Finally I think that you need some punctuations in your writing.

So that's my feedback! I hope The Destroyer goes well and if you need anything just ask.

[BlasterBoy]

The Destroyer 1.01 "Welcome To New York"

The opening with the fight was very well written, but I wanted it to be longer! Make them longer! I loved the reveal of Sofia and Gregory, by the way! The callback to Buffy 1.01, and then her walking in and just having the weapons on the wall. A great introduction. Bravo!

I felt that the first conversation between Marty and Casey just?started?really awkwardly. It was just a normal thing where someone ran into each other, and they were supposed to part their different ways. Why did Casey run after Marty and start having a normal conversation? And, then Casey and Marty decide to go together to one of their apartments after knowing each other for, what? One minute? It makes no sense to me. I don't know, that's just me.

A lot of your dialogue seems very forced, to be honest. For example, the Sofia and Connor conversation: "I'm the destroyer. How are you a vampire slayer?" "Well, giant battle, a spell, yada yada yada. So, what's the destroyer?" "I don't really know yet. Hey, let's go back to my apartment and talk about this." It seems very unrealistic.

And about the characters: I like the new Connor. He is not completely in character yet, but I love how you tried to show the difference between old Connor and new Connor (aka Season 5 Connor). Also, I love the Sofia character, and Gregory Pierce is another good character. I really dislike Marty and Casey, though. Casey seems to know about, well, everything without much explanation. How does he know about slayer history? It just seemed really out of the blue. And, I really just dislike Marty's personality. Sorry, I just don't like him!

By the way, I like the line: "It's like X-Men, minus the crappy third act." Haha, nice. Nice Act I break, with the shock that Angel and them are dead! The whole Connor's subconscious with Casey is an interesting idea, and I think you did it pretty well. Good job on that!

And the special girl who saves people. Ruby from Supernatural? Even used the same line, same actress And then you took a "Prophecy Girl" line

Casey and Gord?I thought that moved WAY too fast. One day in school, they meet, and blush. By lunch, they're dating? They break up later that day, and Casey cries about it? Really rushed, IMO.

And I agree with Kevin about how strange the Connor/Marty relationship is As a friendship, it's not my favorite.
Some bad things are that the grammar is really not the best. Sentences are strung together, words mis-spelled, punctuation missing, etc. Perhaps you need some better editing. And you keep jumping from past tense to present tense. Like, for example, you might've said, "he took a tissue, and then he eats a pineapple." That just kind of irks me

Overall? You did a pretty good job of setting up the characters, and some of the plot points were really good. However, your grammar needs a lot of editing, and your dialogue is a little stall. I know my commentary/review above seems really harsh, but there were a lot of good things, it just needs work. Good job, and keep on working

[kjhurd15]

The Destroyer 1.01 "Welcome To New York"

The opening with the fight was very well written, but I wanted it to be longer! Make them longer! I loved the reveal of Sofia and Gregory, by the way! The callback to Buffy 1.01, and then her walking in and just having the weapons on the wall. A great introduction. Bravo!

Oh well hey dont worry I'm sure i can make the fights alot longer for you Bengy . And i didnt even realise that was a refernece from Buffy 1.01 until i re-read it. And the whole weapons thing. I had to make it look like they have been there for a while.

I felt that the first conversation between Marty and Casey just?started?really awkwardly. It was just a normal thing where someone ran into each other, and they were supposed to part their different ways. Why did Casey run after Marty and start having a normal conversation? And, then Casey and Marty decide to go together to one of their apartments after knowing each other for, what? One minute? It makes no sense to me. I don't know, that's just me.

The whole reason Casey goes running after Marty will be explained in episode 1.04. And i had to make this friendship start quickly because there are some things happeneing in the later episodes. I'm sry if it confused you so much :P

A lot of your dialogue seems very forced, to be honest. For example, the Sofia and Connor conversation: "I'm the destroyer. How are you a vampire slayer?" "Well, giant battle, a spell, yada yada yada. So, what's the destroyer?" "I don't really know yet. Hey, let's go back to my apartment and talk about this." It seems very unrealistic.

Yeah that is something I need to work on. But trust me i will perfect this. And this conversation is very important. Remember it

And about the characters: I like the new Connor. He is not completely in character yet, but I love how you tried to show the difference between old Connor and new Connor (aka Season 5 Connor). Also, I love the Sofia character, and Gregory Pierce is another good character. I really dislike Marty and Casey, though. Casey seems to know about, well, everything without much explanation. How does he know about slayer history? It just seemed really out of the blue. And, I really just dislike Marty's personality. Sorry, I just don't like him!

Well thank you. For Connor I tried to make him confused about who he really wants to be and in later episodes that becomes more of the question. Yeah I liked Sofia. She was a fun character making, trust me you will grow to love her even more through out the rest of the season. Gregory I tried to make him like Giles but i got this instead and i like it. Casey and Marty. Dont wry as the rest of the season progresses you will come to like them

By the way, I like the line: "It's like X-Men, minus the crappy third act." Haha, nice. Nice Act I break, with the shock that Angel and them are dead! The whole Connor's subconscious with Casey is an interesting idea, and I think you did it pretty well. Good job on that!

Oh thanks. Yeah the xmen thing came to me when i was explaining the whole slayer thing and it worked well. Yeah the whole "Angel's dead" thing worked out well for me. But trust me this situation will go alot better when the council have to explain what happened. Oh yeah the subconscious thing. I was going to do it with the Riley's but i just didnt want that. it wouldnt be to much of a shock for Connor. So i used Angel and Darla and the sister Connor would never have

And the special girl who saves people. Ruby from Supernatural? Even used the same line, same actress And then you took a "Prophecy Girl" line

Trust me Krista is nothing like the character Ruby. She has some secrets that make her not as innocent as she claims to be. And that line from prophecy girl my bad i was just having some fun.

Casey and Gord?I thought that moved WAY too fast. One day in school, they meet, and blush. By lunch, they're dating? They break up later that day, and Casey cries about it? Really rushed, IMO.

Actually there is a reason why i rushed into it. See this relationship is one of the one's that has to be watched out for. Cuz it can break at any moment with all the secrets flying around. And in the beginning i wasnt intending them to be bf's that quickly but i take what i give

And I agree with Kevin about how strange the Connor/Marty relationship is As a friendship, it's not my favorite.

Okay yes this relationship seems to uncommon but there will be a flashback in one of the episodes this season to show you how they became friends in the first place.

Some bad things are that the grammar is really not the best. Sentences are strung together, words mis-spelled, punctuation missing, etc. Perhaps you need some better editing. And you keep jumping from past tense to present tense. Like, for example, you might've said, "he took a tissue, and then he eats a pineapple." That just kind of irks me

Sorry my grammar sucks. I think i need to do a whole lot better. :P

Overall? You did a pretty good job of setting up the characters, and some of the plot points were really good. However, your grammar needs a lot of editing, and your dialogue is a little stall. I know my commentary/review above seems really harsh, but there were a lot of good things, it just needs work. Good job, and keep on working

Thanx Bengy I like the feedback. And hopefully you episode two.

[BlasterBoy]

1.02 "The Old Regime"

Better than the first episode, but left me much more confused that before.

First off, Casey and Riley's history is a little jumbled for me, as well as some of the other stuff. Willow has a cousin named Artermis...how does he know about demons and stuff if he is her uncle/aunts child, and Willow's family has nothing to do with demons. Also, Casey and Riley are gay lovers? Sorry, but I just don't buy that From what I've seen in the Buffy show, I really don't think Riley's gay. Just saying.

Marty's a demon. Yep, didn't see that one coming! Good job with that twist! Also, nice way to bring Krista back into the story. How did Riley know she was a demon? Also, love the bit where Krista predicts Marty's betrayal. Will this come to pass? Will Marty pull a "Wesley"? The Marty and Clarice fight is extremely entertaining! Good job!

I still think the Gordy stuff is WAY too melodramatic. They went out for, like, one day, right? Anyways, nice twist at the very end with Wesley. I can't wait to see 1) how he's back from the dead and 2) why he's evil.

So, this episode was much better than the first episode. I started to like Marty more, and a lot of stories were explored more deeply. The first half was very good! The dialouge is better, but you still need to work on that flow (as does everyone!). The grammar is a major set-back, so work on that. And the flashbacks left me confused, and I felt a lot of them were explained half way and were a bit OOC. So, I want to see you develop those things more Great job! Much better than eppy 1!

[kjhurd15]

1.02 "The Old Regime"

Better than the first episode, but left me much more confused that before.

Oh Im Sorry it left you confused.

First off, Casey and Riley's history is a little jumbled for me, as well as some of the other stuff. Willow has a cousin named Artermis...how does he know about demons and stuff if he is her uncle/aunts child, and Willow's family has nothing to do with demons. Also, Casey and Riley are gay lovers? Sorry, but I just don't buy that From what I've seen in the Buffy show, I really don't think Riley's gay. Just saying.

I already explained to you how he knows so i wont explain that again. And I also explained the Riley and Casey thing too.


Marty's a demon. Yep, didn't see that one coming! Good job with that twist! Also, nice way to bring Krista back into the story. How did Riley know she was a demon? Also, love the bit where Krista predicts Marty's betrayal. Will this come to pass? Will Marty pull a "Wesley"? The Marty and Clarice fight is extremely entertaining! Good job!

Oh thank you. Yeah It was a last minute decision to do that. Yeah i like Krist although after this season you wont see much of her. That will be explained later on how Riley knew. And the whole MArty betrayal thing will come to pass. and noit wont be a Wesley thing.

I still think the Gordy stuff is WAY too melodramatic. They went out for, like, one day, right? Anyways, nice twist at the very end with Wesley. I can't wait to see 1) how he's back from the dead and 2) why he's evil.

Yeah. But dont wry. There is something wrong with Gordy so hopefully it gets better. And Wesley it will be explained how he came back and why he is evil.

So, this episode was much better than the first episode. I started to like Marty more, and a lot of stories were explored more deeply. The first half was very good! The dialouge is better, but you still need to work on that flow (as does everyone!). The grammar is a major set-back, so work on that. And the flashbacks left me confused, and I felt a lot of them were explained half way and were a bit OOC. So, I want to see you develop those things more Great job! Much better than eppy 1!

Thanx for the feedback Bengy

[Dark Ages]

I have to say this was an decent episode. I liked it and the storyline was really good.

I have to say I love Sofia! Great Character but I don't like that Clarice chick! YAY!! And Pike. I like how you gave Pike a story and brought him a back and getting Jensen to play him was a great idea. He actually always reminded me of Pike. AND NO GREGORY!

One thing that I have to say is that Wesley really wasn't written like him. He seems like a different character.

But all around I have to say this was a decent episode! Good job!

-Kevin

[kjhurd15]

All my responses in Bold


I have to say this was an decent episode. I liked it and the storyline was really good.

Thanks. I tried to make this eppy like a showcasing for whats to come. Hopefully the next 5 eppys make sense cuz they mostly reflect off of this eppy specifically


I have to say I love Sofia! Great Character but I don't like that Clarice chick! YAY!! And Pike. I like how you gave Pike a story and brought him a back and getting Jensen to play him was a great idea. He actually always reminded me of Pike. AND NO GREGORY!

Well Clarice is going to be around for a while. Sry ;p. Pike.....he was hard to cast at first but then i thought of Jensen so that worked out alot. Pike will be back b4 the season is over and so will Gregory. Oh and im glad that you liked Sofia......she becomes more important later on

One thing that I have to say is that Wesley really wasn't written like him. He seems like a different character.

Trust me the way Wesley is will be explained later on....like towards the end of the next eppy.lol. ;p

But all around I have to say this was a decent episode! Good job!


Thanx Kevy

[Heroine X]

Hey Karl!!

I've finsihed reading one of your episodes of Serenity Cove and I gotta say that I liked it and keep up the good work!