Feedback for tangent

[Llywela]

Post feedback for tangent's fics in here

[ferdy-m]

Echoing Dorian's Kitten - Sunnydale Tapes, many kudos, "damn fine fic."

Agent Cooper's voice is very satisfying, those clear, unelaborated sentences and the calm assumption what he says will be listened to - not arrogance, just sure his job gives him that authority. It all comes back ... big thanks tangent.

What a versatile writer, noir-ish, peak-ish, can you turn on any coin we chuck at you? *tries to think of somefink impossible* ...

JM caught an eppy of Who at the last UK convention and was very taken with it. Somebody asked if he'd like to be the next Doctor, he said, of course, but the guy doing it as the moment owns it and looks to be around for a long time.

... Spike as the next Who is not a serious challenge, tangent - it works best with the Stateside vibe, yes?

[tangent]

Thanks Llywela.

O.K here's the home for any feedback that you may want to give for my humble scribblings.

Any and all feedback is very much appreciated so if you like something tell me and if you dont, well tell me that as well. Please don't pull any punches i have a thick skin and it is only by knowing where we can improve that we can move forward.

To Help i'll attempt to list my stuff below.

Jossverse
The Sunnydale Tapes
Angel Noir: My Cold, Dead Heart
His Own Two Hands
Reborn
He Ran
Someone Special
Brief Candles
Big Bad
Mano A Mano (a drabble)
The Age Of Reason: A Buffy/Dr Who crossover
Heroes
Waiting
Tin Dogs: A Buffy/Dr Who crossover
Underground
Lights Out
L-space: a Buffy/Discworld crossover.
Lost and Found
How the Vampire Got His Name

Stitches In Time - a Dr Who/Buffy X-over
1.0 Sophus
2.0 Animus
3.0 Spiritus
4.0 Manus
5.0 Present Tensions pt1
5.0 Present Tensions pt2


Whofic
A Matter of Time

Other
Blink
Second Opinions

[Dorian's Kitten]

I just reread Big Bad; it's one of my all-time favorites. You do a wonderful job explaining the motivation behind putting that coat back on. Tricky since so many people have criticized that move. But reading your piece, it makes total sense. Spike will do whatever he has to... for her.

You have also written one of my favorite fan fic lines in this one:

"He'd given everything he could to become the man that Buffy wanted: now it was time to give her the man she needed."

Beautiful. That is love.

[tangent]

Thanks DK that means a hell of a lot, coming from such a good writer and such a Spike fan, specially given the circumstances.

Tricky since so many people have criticized that move. But reading your piece, it makes total sense.

That's actually where it came from; my total lack of being able to put the point across in a discussion thread. I knew what i meant but i found it hard to get it across that way. this way seemed more clear.

And thanks again for the kind words for 'The Sunnydale Tapes' Ferdy.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Filling the Who void

Hey there matey! Just read your Who/Buffy crossover and my first reaction is...more! Dammit, I want to know about the Doctor and Giles's meeting...please please write a follow up!

But in this one...The Giles/Doc dynamic is very nicely handled. Giles's voice is spot-on. I think you've taken the Doctor's mockney too far, perhaps dial back on the "blimeys" etc?

Love that Anya sees him as a bit of a poser, with his "overly dramatic pose".
And "Doctor what?", heh!

I think the bit in the magic shop works better than the stuff with Martha - so, more Doctor/Giles/Anya as a trio please! And more Doctor/Giles in their past.

Now the show's on a break, time for us to write it instead!

[tangent]

I was a bit concerned with the docs accent so thanks for putting me straight there. The martha bit was the bit i struggled with. In a way i ferl it belongs to something else but i dont know what, which is the bit i mentioned in the monkey pants thread.

As for a prequel well it's definitely on the cards. I like the idea of giles and the doc together although if the met 25 years ago then that could mean a... different version of giles no?

I'll work on the accent though don't want to end up writing dick van dyke after all!!

AS alway many, many thanks for the feedback.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

I was a bit concerned with the docs accent so thanks for putting me straight there. The martha bit was the bit i struggled with. In a way i ferl it belongs to something else but i dont know what, which is the bit i mentioned in the monkey pants thread.

Maybe shelve it for later use? Often scenes appear in other fics that really belong elsewhere, and can be migrated

As for a prequel well it's definitely on the cards. I like the idea of giles and the doc together although if the met 25 years ago then that could mean a... different version of giles no?

But of course. Which would also be fun. But perhaps could have some more current Giles too? Maybe flashbacks plus something in the present? Or Old Giles getting to hang with young Giles?

I'll work on the accent though don't want to end up writing dick van dyke after all!!

Cor blimey guvnor no!

AS alway many, many thanks for the feedback.

No worries, my pleasure...now more more more!

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Feedback for Sophus

Aha! A fic written by a man who knows his hangovers I thought the opening was a perfect description of the morning after the night(s) before. I bet Ripper had a few blinders in his day! "Inconvenient"...I like that. It conjures the more educated side of Giles...even when he was a bad boy, he still would've been articulate after all.

Crispy man, heh! I like the Doctor's presumptuousness. So very Ten.

Police box as traffic cone substitute. Also with the heh

With the "this is a knife" gag, I think you should have the Doctor (or perhaps Rose) pointing out that he couldn't have seen Croc Dundee yet ( I mean Ripper couldn't), and maybe complaining that it's tricky being a time traveller cos people so rarely get your references.

I felt the bit with the splainy, below, wasn't strictly necessary...if you're writing more (you are, aren't you?!) then I think we'll get to see what happens so perhaps don't need to anticipate it?

The Doctor sighed deeply and pushed a hand through his thick mane of hair "All we can do is hope really" he said "He's going to have to decide himself to forfeit his turn and even then it won't be certain that his experience with Eyghon will still result in him taking up his watcher duties. The way things have been changed means we're going to have to take some risks to change them back and until we've got the others timelines sorted out we won't know if any one of them has really been put back on the right track." His face set into a determined look "We will get it right though don't you worry about that. We'll untangle this sorry mess and then we'll find out just who tangled it up, then we're going to make very sure that they don't have the chance to do it again"

Enjoying it lots...look forward to seeing how they try and help Ripper (and presumably fail? Or will they give him some kind of help or hope that will get him through things...?). I guess I'll have to wait and see

[tangent]

Thanks so much for the feedback

It's nice to know that I'm not too far off track with ten as this is going to be a longish haul from him. That was really my main worry (along with Ripper- the too giles/not giles enough balance is hard.)

I debated wether or not to put the crocadile dundee joke in for ages and decided to go for it for it's out of timeness. Your so right on the execution though it would work better like that.

As for the doc helping ripper out in the future maybe-maybe not...

[Dorian's Kitten]

Hey there! I read and enjoyed your new Who drabble. I know I am supposed to stay away for fear of spoilers but I figured how much spoileryness could happen in a hundred words. Anyway-nice little twist on what seemed quite obvious at first. Kudos.

[tangent]

Can't stay away from the spoilery stuff huh?

Glad you enjoyed it. I'm not usually one for the drabbling (only my second) but i have found they're very good for breaking through other writing troubles and i enjoyed this one particularly. Might have to start writing a few more.

Anyway speaking of writing troubles...

P.s Dawnficcy goodness?

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Just read Animus 2.0. I love your characterisation of Jessica Harris, really sensitive and believable. I'm a little confused about why her staying will help humanity though?

Yes well we're actually on an exchange program with the Social Services here and in the U.K." He said a little hurriedly. "Would you like to see my identification again?"

- Heh! I love it, just so nicely worded and true. Sometimes the Doctor's excuses are so (psychic) paper thin, and yet people still buy them. Unless they're Shakespeare.

There are a few places that the characters say things that don't quite sound like them. Here for example:

"But what would be the alternative, eh?" he stood and move over to where the girl stood "Allow the world to end in fire and blood, allow millions of innocent people to be tortured and killed and worse because that we really can't do."

Doesn't quite feel Doctory?.could do with a bit of tweaking to make it sound more in character I think. Or in voice anyway. Ditto this bit.

"Okay let's get this out of the way right now shall we? I don't particularly enjoy the thought of anyone suffering, not in anyway. I do however know that sometimes it's necessary, that sometimes someone has to look at the bigger picture and make the hard decisions and I also know that that someone is usually me. It's not always nice Rose but it's part of who I am, and you of all people should know that by now."

I'm not quite sure what's wrong there, but something about it doesn't feel right for him?maybe it's stating things too plainly?

Ditto this bit doesn't sound quite Rose-ish, though the rest of the passage is good:

"If you stay with your husband then you're risking a life of unhappiness, a life of constant bickering that will just get steadily worse and worse until you end fighting just for the sake of it.

But the last couple of sentences?absolutely summing up the Doc!

As his young companion ran off the Doctor gave one last look back to the row of houses from where a single light shone and the smile faded once more from his lips.

"I'm sorry" he said, in a small sad voice "I'm so sorry."

[tangent]

Thanks for the feedback as always Lou.

I was a bit worried about this one as its a bit of a sensitive subject. The staying thing probably should be clearer but it goes back to the exposition at the end of part 1.

I think your right with the voices. Might try a bit of a re-write.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Thanks for the feedback as always Lou.

I was a bit worried about this one as its a bit of a sensitive subject. The staying thing probably should be clearer but it goes back to the exposition at the end of part 1.

I think your right with the voices. Might try a bit of a re-write.

What was it then, the earth shattering threat? Fraid I can't remember back!

And would be v interested to read any reedits...am an edit nerd


EDIT: Forgot to add, re Jessica, I liked the way you took a character who only appeared briefly on screen then managed to render a younger version of them so well...impressive leap of imagination!

[tangent]

well i'm trying to keep it a little mysterious (but obviously overdoing it). Basically the premis is that someone or something is altering key people's timelines to affect the events of BTVS as we know them.

I'e no Xander = end of the series at athe end of season 1.
No Giles = possibly the end of things before even then.

Think i need more linkage and splainy.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

well i'm trying to keep it a little mysterious (but obviously overdoing it). Basically the premis is that someone or something is altering key people's timelines to affect the events of BTVS as we know them.

I'e no Xander = end of the series at athe end of season 1.
No Giles = possibly the end of things before even then.

Think i need more linkage and splainy.

Perhaps you could do an epilogue/prologue (depending on what felt better) giving a vision of the altered timeline, rather than adding more splainy? More vivid that way. Perhaps you could start and end the fic with almost identical slice of sunnydale life bits, only the one at the start would be subtly altered,ie sans xander etc, and the bit at the end would be back to normal? Give a sense of how the doc's affecting the timeline?

[tangent]

Yeah like that idea

Thanks a lot and keep em peeled for the rewrites. I'll do that before chapter 3 comes out.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

"After the bowling alley"? Mwahahahahaha! Brilliant!

[Dorian's Kitten]

Well I just met Mysti Munroe. I think she fits the Mary Sue description-she's lovely and seems to get on with everyone. I think it was particularly good that you didn't let her seem bitter or too motivated by revenge-cause that might have marred her perfection.

The story about her parents was quite horrific and I found the details about her and Buffy in the cave nicely vivid. I shivered when we went in the water. I'm going to have to give this one another read through, my brain is a bit blurred at the mo. I'll likely give more commentary then. Kudos for getting your challenge entry in.