Feedback for KingofCretins

[Llywela]

Post feedback for King of Cretins in here

[KingofCretins]

Index of my fic:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Game of Love

Not a Dog Person (an Illyria Drabble)

Nice and Awkward

The Patrol, a Heroes fanfic (PG-13 for language)

Franchises (Buffy/Xander, almost NC-17)

The Debriefing -- PG-13 (Season 8)

Back to Black

A Big Year For Vengeance

Main Dude (spoilers through 8.12)

Instead of Me (Season 8 Drabble, Spoilers through 8.12

The Debriefing (Number Two)

You Know That I'm No Good (Season 8 fic, AU)

Protective Orders (Season 5 Angel/Season 8 Buffy fic)

Run and Catch (Buffy/Heroes crossover)

The Great Roofie Spirit

[tangent]

Just want to express my total flabbergastedness at 'Game of love.'

It's awsome king, no other word for it. Each and every one of the characters ring true, the plotting is fabulous and leaves this reader really keen to see what happens next and the sense of isolation between buffy and dawn is played just right for me.

In short really good strong fic with authentic jossiness stamped all over it and (because it wouldn't be yours otherwise) that certain bandery flavour.

keep it going buddy.

[KingofCretins]

Thanks, tangent. I'm glad if I did get something good going with Buffy and Dawn.

I'm a little up against it on continuing it right now, because I'm worried I'm going to run into a canon problem. But I have a rough outline for it right now.

[Mabus]

Read--or skimmed, anyway--Franchises. It seems fairly solid, but I have to admit, I wasn't thrilled with it (thus the quick read). Nothing terribly interesting seems to be going on in Buffy's life at the moment--the vampire attack is par for the course, kinda like the muggings that Superman stops on the way to fight the real enemy of issue #567 or whatever.

It's clear that you didn't mean this to be a PWP, but the meat of the story seems to be about Buffy's quick jump in the sack with Xander as the start of a relationship. Unfortunately, I didn't find this very compelling either. Let's face it--there's only so many ways you can write sex, with the result that they all eventually become kind of trite. If you're into that kind of thing (whichever kind that is for any particular story) it'll almost always get you hot and bothered, but that's about all.

All in all, I can't rate this as much beyond "warm and bland". Oatmeal-type stuff. Sorry.

[KingofCretins]

Dude, I was kidding

No, honestly, thanks for the feedback. I got it sort of twisted between wanting to theorize a lot of Season 8 stuff and validate the speculation that something may have happened between them at some point.

Being a 'shipper, I'll probably try for something else Buffy/Xander that isn't trying to do more than one thing at once.

[Valyssia]

So far Game of Love is shaping up to be a fun little romp. I like your take on some of the S8 stuff. You've obviously put a great deal of thought into what the world around them is like.

The Immortal is a fun villain.

Well done King of Cretins!

You are correct in pretty much everything you said, Mabus. Still, I didn't mind Franchises. I'm of the opinion that it takes a certain amount of nerve to present a piece of that nature in such a public forum. You have to show a bit more about who you actually are as a person to write intimacy. There's always more scrutiny because of the subject. We are such an unreasonably prudish society.

Funny that we sell just about every commodity under the sun with sex, but we find the topic shocking. Sort of hypocritical to my mind. Not that you are...not even close...but the act is.

I applaud both of you for your level of self assuredness.

Valyssia

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Just read Franchises and enjoyed it a lot. Reading it felt like a lovely holiday, all smooth and fun, but not forgetting that this is still the Buffyverse, so you can't go on a date without there being vampires somewhere in the mix. It seemed like you'd really thought through all the background stuff ? how the slayers are operating ? and then, confident in the world you'd created, were able to deal with it lightly. I like that?the art of making difficult look easy.

Though I must confess I find reading sex in fic really embarrassing so had to skip some of that (absolutely no reflection of your writing, I've just got some kind of hardwired britishness that means explicit nookie makes me blush too much to bear!) Also confess?I didn't get the ending?because I don't know who Tyler Durden is! Nor the film reference at the start. But will now google.

[Dorian's Kitten]

Just read The Debriefing and I must admit I'm moderately disappointed that no one took of their briefs.
Just teasing-this was a nice visit with our trio and, as always, you write Xander well. He seems goofy at times but serious when he needs to be. Me Likey.
I especially like the "kiss of true love" jokes. I was surprised to not be more surprised with Buffy letting that go. Meaning, it worked-but I wouldn't have expected it to. Guess she is growing up.
Priceless:
"...But I'm not kissing Willow for you, Xan."

"Who says you didn't already?"

[KingofCretins]

Thank you I actually use Xander's POV as a bit of a crutch sometimes. It's just the easiest one to slip into. I think I do okay with Buffy's, but I've discovered that Willow's is a little outside my grasp.

I'm glad that joke worked I just wanted to hit the casually flirtatious/teasing note that Joss did in Issue #3 when the three of them were together.

Since it helps the title, assume that during the course of the story, none of them were wearing underwear

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Just testing to see if I can post here...it's been causing me problems. Will edit later if I can!

[Wolfie Gilmore]

I've been trying to post the post I wrote the otehr day various times, but in the meantime, just wanted to say in brief....really liked it! Had one criticism, which was the build up to Willow's breakdown didn't quite work for me (cf longer post when I get around to it), and I think that may be due, as you say, to you not being as comfy writing Willow as Xander. But the fic's funny and flowing and feels "natural", if you know what I mean...there's space to breathe in it. And I liked the Hamletty opening

[KingofCretins]

Thanks for sending me the feedback, Wolfie. I'll quote it here so I can reply

Really enjoyed "The Debriefing". The image of Xander on the battlements, all very Horatio-y. And he is kinda Buffy's Horatio. I thought the opening was really atmospheric and you captured the inside of Xander's mind in a way that felt easy and right.

Nice, the way you filled in the gaps in the action and how they got back ? it didn't feel splainy, but it all made sense as a way that they might deal with the practicalities in a post-fight situation like that, stuck in another country.

Loved the "one eyed man/kingdom of the blind" gag, and the fact that Xander was gratified by it.

Willow's breakdown over Warren didn't quite work for me ? I think it needed more build-up, and I feel (as you said) that you've captured Xander's voice better than you have Willow's. Also, the line about "her lost lover" feels too melodramatic and romance novel-style. Perhaps a different expression would be better here? And I think perhaps Willow wouldn't cry at the mention of Tara ? or at least, I think it would be more interesting and powerful if it was something else that got her going. Perhaps if she spoke of Tara matter of factly, but it's her stupidity that gets her crying?because I find you often start crying over something less important than the big scary thing, even though you're really crying about the big scary thing. Anyway, that bit with Willow I reckon could benefit from some reworking, cos otherwise I'm loving your work!

You introduced Buffy into the trio scene naturally, and the whole thing felt really alive, unfolding before me. The kiss with Xander was a nice touch. Loved the image of Willow as (not) a magical pez dispenser (far superior to the irritating pez witch schtick with Oz!) Willow's insecurity over her role is an interesting area?her semi-detachment from them could be read as her being all floaty and multi dimensiony, but seeing it as her not feeling she fits?I think that works well. She's not scared to use her powers, perhaps, but she's scared to do so AND be near her friends.

Loved this bit, so I'll quote it in its entirety.

"I didn't say the organization needs you, Will. We need you." Xander cupped both of Willow's cheeks, looking into her skeptical eyes. It never ceased to amaze him how someone so immensely powerful could seem so small and fragile at times. He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. It wasn't a romantic gesture at all, but simply the warmest thing he could think of to make clear to her who "we" were and what "need" meant ? Willow was part of their family, part of everything that mattered to him, to Buffy, to Dawn, and they had already been without her for far too long.

"Yeah, it was the glowy green justice,

Hee!

Re Xander peeking?still trying to be the one that sees everything, even if in a naughty way.

Buffy smiled and strolled over. "I guess. But I'm not kissing Willow for you, Xan."

"Who says you didn't already?"

As someone said above?nice!

They both elbowed him in the side as they hugged.

Ok, sometimes I might think that was too much, but I'm in a sappy mood so you get away with it

"Buffy?" Xander asked, pulling his mouth out from the tangle of red and blonde hair on the heads he'd just kissed. "We're going to need to talk to Giles about Ethan."

Now I want to see the scene with Giles!

Though, oddly, that fic I wrote for your challenge kinda fits as a sequel. Except it doesn't show Giles's initial reaction to hearing about Ethan. So?sequel!

Thanks a ton! I try very hard to do expositional theories without taking up too much time with them; getting the team back from Sunnydale was something I've wondered about.

I know Willow's breakdown seemed a bit off, just couldn't hear it. I blame my agenda -- I believe strongly that Willow wouldn't have wanted to take the fact that Warren is alive as an excuse to blow off what she did. And sorry about the melodrama

I want to do more Willow writing because she's so intriguing, especially this season.

With Xander having peeked, I'm addressing the whole thing from the standpoint of what if Xander didn't kiss her. I will follow this story up and there will probably be another reference to it.

Wolfie, it seemed to just have a problem with the very specific sentence about a certain british sketch comedy, which I won't name in case it does it again. But, yeah, the reference was intentional, mostly

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Thanks for sending me the feedback, Wolfie. I'll quote it here so I can reply

Victory! Glad you could get that posted, it had me stumped.

Thanks a ton! I try very hard to do expositional theories without taking up too much time with them; getting the team back from Sunnydale was something I've wondered about.

It was lightly done. Nice!

I know Willow's breakdown seemed a bit off, just couldn't hear it. I blame my agenda -- I believe strongly that Willow wouldn't have wanted to take the fact that Warren is alive as an excuse to blow off what she did. And sorry about the melodrama

Having one's agenda showing is such a drag But I think it's a realistic attitude for her to take (plus, he WAS dead, even if the comics weren't entirely clear on that). It'd just take a bit of tweaking of how she expresses that to make it work I think.

I want to do more Willow writing because she's so intriguing, especially this season.

Do! I'm curious about the spoilers that

Spoiler:

Willow and Buffy will have a long talk...but I'd like to see your take on more Willow stuff. Sometimes, I find, the characters I initially find a bit of a tough job to write turn out the best because you really think about how you're writing them - there's no laziness. When I write a character that comes fairly naturally, eg Giles, I think I can sometimes get a bit slack...while if I'm writing a tricky one - tricky for me - like Angel, I try harder. Ok, maybe the end result isn't always better, btu it can bring up some v thoughtful stuff. So, go Willow!

Wolfie, it seemed to just have a problem with the very specific sentence about a certain british sketch comedy, which I won't name in case it does it again. But, yeah, the reference was intentional, mostly

M---- P-----, what a troublesome show you are.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

I heartily enjoyed the challenge entry you did about Sylar and Dru. An excellent pairing from the outset - putting Sylar on the back foot in a way I don't think any of the Heroes characters manage to (or at least not in the eps I've seen...up to mid season one). The idea of someone Sylar can respect is an interesting one, given his distain for most humans.

Really liked the intro in Starbucks - it's the little touches that make this fic excellent. Like his pique at being outdone by the guy behind him in the queue.

As I said in the VIP, I think your voice for Dru is spot on - and the insights into Sylar's twisted mind are great. I fear you with your understanding of the psychopath

The fact that she didn't vamp him in the end really worked for me...gave the tale a twist and avoided the predictable. Like a better version of the First's nonsensey "It's not time for you yet" re Spike...it genuinely isn't time for Sylar in Dru's nutty vision of their partnership.

[KingofCretins]

Yay, I'm glad that worked for at least someone. I honestly struggled for a long time to figure out what to do with the challenge. I started off wanted Buffy vs. Sylar, but there was just no foothold. I just wanted to write Sylar. When I landed on the idea of him and Drusilla, I realized that they wouldn't hit it off, they'd be entranced by each other. I think Sylar achieves evil as a living person that even Angelus would envy, and that Dru would go crazy over it. Drusylar 'shipping has begun

I really appreciate you liking their voices. It's a lot harder to write Drusilla than it is to write other Buffy characters. Sylar wasn't that hard, though -- "Heroes" has done a pretty dang good job of letting us know what he's about.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Loving "Back to black" ? Buffy etc playing at mobsters is lots of fun. Willow having a spidersense for Xander's mood changes is very disturbing but also fitting. Freaky though! I'm hoping she keeps it to herself that she can sense this stuff otherwise poor Xander will be paranoid every time he gets trouser feelings when he's within a one mile radius of Willow! The idea of Willow being inside other people's heads and hearts and even bodies (sensing their sensations) like this opens up all kinds of questions ? should she try and close her mind to it, especially. Do you think she can?

Buffy furrowed her eyebrows, nodding slowly. "Xander, you kinda are the bad-assed kingpin of an international supernatural organization."

"Slayer Consigliore," Willow agreed with an encouraging grin.

Forgive the ana'l, but you have a typo in the mix. (should be consigliere, if my Sopranos memory serves?) But you also have an awesome line. Love the idea of Xander as Sil! Just when he thought he was out?.she drew him back in. Erm?that came out dirtier than I intended.

Not being convinced that Xander still has feelings for Buffy (or that she has feelings for him) in canon terms, but in the context of the fic, works well. Oh, but I think Willow wouldn't phrase the stake joke like this:

"She ran off and left you to play with your stake, huh?" Willow asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

I reckon she'd go with something shorter like: "Just you and your stake now, huh?"


So?.Spike. Are we getting more??

[KingofCretins]

Spike is actually the point of the exercise. It's not a Buffy/Xander fic. My hope is just to set the meeting between Buffy and Spike in a context where it is... inconvenient, emotionally. Definitely for Xander, possibly for Buffy as well.

I'll start picking away at Chapter 2 today, at which point the main plot should pick up. Chapter 1 was basically the "teaser" for an episode of TV.

[Wolfie Gilmore]

Spike is actually the point of the exercise. It's not a Buffy/Xander fic. My hope is just to set the meeting between Buffy and Spike in a context where it is... inconvenient, emotionally. Definitely for Xander, possibly for Buffy as well.

I'll start picking away at Chapter 2 today, at which point the main plot should pick up. Chapter 1 was basically the "teaser" for an episode of TV.

Look forward to it!

Are you going to do the vampires smelling people thing?

[KingofCretins]

Well, I don't know if it's likely to come up, but I can work it in for you if you'd like

Also, I like the idea that Willow can read *either* of their moods, particularly when she's sourcing a conversation like she is, but didn't have an occasion to let her use it with Buffy in that chapter. I might work that in -- it wasn't originally thought of as a Willow and Xander specific link, although it does work on that level.

I fixed consigliere, btw