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  • Tinkerbell

    For one of the old BW challenges...

    Tinkerbell (G)

    "You'll be scared." A sympathetic voice, cutting through the shadows, echoing in amongst the lit candles and spirals of incense. "You'll wonder so often how you can help. You'll question your place, you'll question where you fit in."

    Tara looks around in wonder? the spell? she hadn't expected this. Anything but this.
    "Guide me." A statement without stuttering. Why was it only incantations, spells that she could express without hesitating on every word? Why was everything else driven by hesitation, motivated by fear? And a voice, telling her she would be afraid. Tara sigh. If her guide was telling her only what she knew? the spell wasn't working.

    If the spell wasn't working, Tara mused, perhaps she should join the other wicca on campus. Maybe they could help. Maybe she would be less alone there, less lost.

    "Goddess Aradia, goddess of the lost? guide me". A variation on the tinkerbell spell she had taught herself over the summer. A long summer, spent in a darkened room? waiting.
    Lighting the candles she had smiled at the fairy lights arranged across the ceiling. Thanking the goddesses silently as she sat, once more in a darkened room. A darkened room whose walls were barriers only to college life, walls which softened only the noises of the every day.

    "You'll be afraid, more than once." The voice sounds so familiar, and so near. Tara closes her eyes, breathing deeply.

    "Goddess? show me." She opens her eyes once more and looks at the mirror across the room in which she was reflected. And blinks. The reflection is off centre. And, she realizes, not a reflection. "You're?" She is unable to finish the sentence.

    "I'm borrowed. I have to speak for you."

    "And I will be afraid?"

    "You will be. You will be afraid and amazed and overjoyed. You will be loved and you will be hurting and you will be healed. You'll belong."

    If she joined the wicca on campus? that meant staying. Staying at UC Sunnydale. Which was more terrifying than going home.
    Home wasn't so bad, she thought. Which was a lie, of course, but Beth hadn't been far away, and the two of them together was better than when it had just been Tara, after her Mom died. Tara had hated high school. Hated not knowing anyone, hated not being able to have friends. Because friends spend time at one another's houses, and Tara couldn't have anyone see her at home. Ironic, how habits form, she thought. In the weeks since semester had started, not a soul but herself had crossed the threshold of her blackened room. Ticking that box on the application form for a single room had been the only decision that had come easy.
    If she joined the wicca on campus? that meant that she hadn't ?accidentally' chosen UC Sunnydale. Tara had told Donny, her father, Beth, that Sunnydale was the only college that had accepted her. That had been a lie. It was true that Sunnydale was the only college that had offered a scholarship so comprehensive, but UC Sunnydale was not the only college that had courted Tara. The letters of offer from as far away from Oxford were safely in a desk drawer, proof, she thought. Of what, she could no longer name.
    It hadn't hurt, lying to Donny, her father. Lying to Beth was different. Leaving Beth alone with the two of them hurt. She knew why Beth hadn't spoken to her since the summer.

    So many lies. Mostly to herself. The lie that coming to College would make a difference.

    "I am afraid," she confesses. To the image in the mirror which she can't quite think of as her reflection. "Every day I force myself to go to class, but it doesn't help." She pauses. "I thought I was supposed to be here. I thought college was my chance." She sighs. She had obviously thought wrong.

    "This is your chance. This is your moment. You'll be afraid. More afraid than you are now."

    "I don't want to be afraid. I don't want anything. I just want?" What did she want?

    "You want peace."

    "I want peace." Tara nods, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I want this to be my chance to be free."

    "This is your chance. We didn't come to Sunnydale to go to college, Tara. We came because we are needed."

    "For what?" The image is fading, and Tara doesn't know if it is because the spell is wearing off, or if it is merely the tears which hinder her vision. She blinks, and it becomes apparent that the spell is drawing to a close.

    "Go to the wicca group tomorrow? and Tara?"

    In a breath. "Yes?"

    "We always did like redheads." Tara's reflection smiles an almost shy smile, one that starts slowly with the upturning of one corner of the warm mouth. A smile that Tara remembers she used to have, and use, often. A smile that Tara senses she will be reclaiming. As she blinks her reflection becomes her reflection again. And she smiles to herself.
    Sitting there in a blackened room, surrounded only by incense and candle light.
    Tara is not afraid.