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1.12 "Prophecy Girl" - Rewritten

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  • 1.12 "Prophecy Girl" - Rewritten

    Well, for the latest Big Brother challenge, I wrote this. I thought I might as well put it in the Fanfiction section! I'd LOVE feedback!

    "PROPHECY GIRL"
    Written and Directed by Tim Burton

    Starring:

    Sarah Michelle Gellar
    Alyson Hannigan
    Nicholas Brendan
    Anthony Stewart Head
    James Marsters
    Helena Bonham Carter
    and Ewan McGregor


    With Special Death ? I Mean, Guest Appearances By:

    David Boreanaz
    And Marc Blucas (that bastard)

    And the Epicness Begins On A Warm Yet Cold Somehow Night...Epic...

    Buffy was walking down a deserted street, saddened by the fact that Angel was still in her life. She has been tricking him for the last year. Angel loves her, and now Angel thinks Buffy loves him. Idiotic ass hole The truth is, Buffy knew Angel was a tough vampire, and he was pretending to be good. ass hole. Buffy knows what has to be done. Angel is a vampire. He has to die. Good damn riddance.

    Meanwhile, back at the library, Giles, Willow, and Xander who will later become an ass hole are at work...doing nothing. Giles is being British and Old, Willow is funny and a cute dork, and Xander doesn't know it yet, but he has to die. Cause he yells at Buffy. And that's mean. Anyways, Giles is being old and British and goes, "How interesting", while Willow, dork as she is, but awesome and cute, goes, "Aha!" Xander says, "What was that for, Will?" Willow, not certain of what that was for, says, "He ? Giles ? found something." AWW! WILLOW!!!! Xander, why would you even question her? Why??? Anyways, what has Giles found? Giles, very dramatically, of course, looks at Willow and Xander (aww! Willow!!!), and says, "The Master isn't rising soon." Xander says, "That's good, then!" (Idiot). Giles responds, "I said, he isn't rising soon. And that's cause, he's rising now."

    GASP. OOOH. AHHH. GASP.

    In The Master's lair, he is walking up to the surface, being stupid. And OMG, The Master is standing on the street! He has risen! And Buffy isn't dead! What a coincidence! I mean ? yeah. So, The Master's up there, and he's all happy, but not for long. A punch comes out of nowhere, but the attacker's face is not shown. The Master tumbles to the ground, looking for his fruit punch! It's nowhere to be seen! The Master shouts, "NO! I'm done for!!!!" With The Master on the ground, the attacked jumps over him and pins him to the ground. The Master looks up in horror, which quickly turns into pleasure. For, the person pinning him to the ground, is a wonderfully badass and awesome woman (PLAYED BY HELENA BONHAM CARTER). The Master, smiling, ays, "Well, isn't this a nice welcome home present." The woman, in disgust, says, "Eww! I'm not having sex with you! I'm HBC, for god's sake." HBC, as the woman calls herself, moves forward and snaps The Master's neck, immediately killing him. HBC stands back up, smiling and turns to a man (PLAYED BY EWAN McGREGOR). HBC says, "That was fun, Ewan," and Ewan responds, "More fun that this?" HBC and Ewan begin to kiss passionately. They fall to the ground, and begin to have wicked sex.

    Buffy returns to the library, and Giles runs at her. Giles yells, "THE MASTER IS DEAD! It's in the prophecy, Buffy! The Master will die, killed by the Prophecy Girl." Buffy, confused, says, "The Prophecy Girl? Who the hell is that?" Giles looks down, scared at who the Prophecy Girl is. Giles says, "The Prophecy Girl is Helena Bonham Carter." Buffy is scared, and doesn't know what to do. She sits down, and says, "We're screwed. Helena Bonham Carter is badass." Giles responds, "That she is. But, we have to kill her before she starts the apocalypse!" Willow jumps in saying, "Kill Helena Bonham Carter!? We can't do that! She's badass!" Buffy nods, "She is." Xander says, "What's so badass about her?" Everyone in the room looks at Xander. Man, Xander, could you be more for of an idiot? Sigh. Giles responds, "We have to try. We're going to fight." "How do we know where she is?" Buffy says. Giles responds, "It's in the prophecy. It's a very convenient prophecy that saves valuable screen time."

    HBC and Ewan walk into a giant church, being extremely badass, kissing as they go. Like, holy crap, they are gorgeous! They are walking towards the front of the church. You hear the back door of the church open, but they keep walking. You see Giles, Buffy, Willow, and Xander run in! Buffy is holding a gun, also being badass. "Where's Spike!?" Buffy shouts. Giles, confused, responds, "Who's Spike?" "You know, the vampire with a soul that is actually cool. I'll love him. Duh," Buffy says. However, Buffy and Giles conversation makes HBC and Ewan (badasses) notice them. HBC casually says, "You guys aren't a threat. Cause we're badasses. And we're so totally hot." Buffy is very intimidated! Buffy says, in fear, "I can't take them on! They're wonderful!" Buffy runs away, terrified of their awesomeness. She runs into a back room, and no one goes after her. Xander says, "Maybe we should follow her. I mean, you guys were right. They ARE amazing." First intelligent thing he's said...ever.

    Back in the back room, Buffy is lying down on a bed, crying. You see two figures walking in, and Buffy looks up, and the two figures disappoint her. The two figures are Angel and Riley. Buffy yells, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?!" Angel bluntly says, "We want to sleep with you. Threesome?" This makes Buffy go crazy. She stands up, screaming. She takes a stake out of her pocket, and sets the gun down on the bed she was lying on. Angel looks scared, and takes a step back. Buffy says, "I don't love you! You're not my first love! You're just a murderous bastard!" Buffy stakes Angel in the heart, and he gasps. Angel dusts; he is dead...hallelujah. Riley stares at Buffy, being boring, and says, "Well...this is awkward." Buffy gets mad again and grabs her gun, she moves back, smashing Riley in the head. Riley, holding his head, falls to his knees, and stares up at Buffy, pointing the gun at his head. Riley, boring as he is, says something we all expect: "Spare me!" Boring little bitch. Anyways, Buffy, in tears, says, "I'm going to kill you, cause I'm not going to take this. I'm not going to take you! Three years from now, I'll know what it's like to not be bored to death by some stupid little prick! And while I'm not as much of a badass as HBC, I am still kind of like a badass ? well, I'm badass enough to know that I'm going to kill you, and not be bothered because you're an arrogant jerk! I'll know what it's like to be free; not tied down! And, yes, I have some anger problems when it comes to my lovers, but you especially, because while you would become my lover, I've always hated you! Riley, you ain't schmexy at all! In fact, you're just a frakking mxmux! I can't believe I ever dreamed of frakking you in the future! Am I really that dumb?! I guess I am, but I can fix that now! I know why you're in my life in the future, and it's pathetic! You were there just for show! It's kindergarten all over again! You're like a goldfish, just cause all the other kids have one. Now, it's time to flush the goldfish down a frakking toilet! By the way, you're the goldfish." Buffy pulls the trigger and a bullet flies into Riley's head. Riley's dead. Yay.

    Meanwhile, HBC and Ewan have been the most badass-like people EVER. I don't even think they are people; they're that awesome. HBC and Ewan are making out right next to the statue of Jesus, as the camera pans out to show Giles and Willow unconscious. Xander is standing up, bloody, shouting, "I'm going to yell at Buffy! Ah...I'm an ass in two years." HBC stops having sex with Ewan for a minute (aww, crap! She was about to take off her shirt, too!) to walk over to Xander. HBC, being badassmm and staring at Xander, says, "Buffy is badass, Of course, not like me, cause I kind of win everything, so yeah, but she is still badass. And, you ? you are an ass to her. Not a badass. Just an ass. And that's not cool. I can't let you do that to a fellow badass." Ewan stands up, and smiles at his lover, slowly walking over to her. Xander, scared, and perplexed, says, "Your breath is amazing. And you look amazing." Xander falls over, not breathing. HBC smiles, for Xander has died. Xander is dead. Ewan says, "How did he die, badass lover?" HBC responds, "He died from a heart attack. Because I'm gorgeous." HBC turns around and kisses Ewan again. She says, "It's time to bring about the apocalypse. And you know how we do that. We have sex." Ewan and HBC continue to have sex...next to Jesus. The statue of Jesus, of course! Not actually Jesus or anything...yeah, I'll stop talking now.

    At the same time, Buffy is smiling on the bed. She is happy that she finally killed Riley. Boring not-so-badass not schmexy like jerk. She is also happy for another reason. She turns her head, and you see Spike lying next to her. They are both naked. Buffy says, "I love you, Spike." Spike responds, "I know." They start having sex. Cause they're awesome.

    Two badass couples are having sex.

    At the same time.

    Ewan and HBC.

    Buffy and Spike.

    Sex.

    Now.

    Apocalypse.

    Because of the multiple badass sex sessions going on, the apocalypse start. This was HBC's plan from the beginning. Cause she's the best one ever. Duh. The thing no one understands is, this apocalypse is not bad. It's awesome. Why? What this triggers is a world full of Helena Bonham Carter's and Ewan McGregor's...having sex. And it's starting right now. Dude.

    This apocalypse is badass.

    COMING UP NEXT YEAR: "When She Was Bad" is a flashback episode focusing on Riley and Angel's previous girlfriends (and boyfriends) who all try to gruesomely murder them in their sleep. See ya next year!
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