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Don't you see?

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  • Don't you see?

    Title: Don't you see?
    Author: Lara Beckinsale
    Pairing: Buffy/Spike
    Rating: PG
    Status: Complete
    Timeline: Season 7, episode 20 "Touched"
    Summary: Spike POV during "Touched"
    Disclaimer: I do not own anything, Joss and ME do, I'm just having fun.
    Notes: Some lines borrowed from the episode.

    Don't you see?

    There you are my love; you seem so helpless, so hurt, so fragile. The people you love have turned their backs on you, they have inflicted the cruelest and most hurtful of all wounds.

    But you shouldn't worry, they're fools, they do not see you, not the real you. Not the way I see you.

    They think you have made too many mistakes, but they don't know, do they? What it feels like in your place, nobody could since you're the only one that has to put up with this job. They've never been in you shoes, they don't know how hard it all has been on you, how alone you've felt. They look, but they do not see.

    But I, my love, I have seen. Since you were only seventeen years old, still a girl, trying to become an adult. All that struggle. I've been around, enough to watch how you finally accomplished it in the hardest of ways. I saw you having your heart broken three times, saw you go to college, drop out before finishing, saw you lost your mom, care for your friends, your sister. God! I've seen you die!

    And yet my love, here you are, trying to lead the battle of our lives and trying so hard, yet they still don't see. They want answers and fixings, they want you to make it all better, to protect them and save them. They want you to do your job, to accomplish and fulfill your sacred duty. That's what makes you a hero in their eyes, but they don't see, my darling, the way I see you, that you're a hero and you're wonderful just to try.

    And you, you keep seeing yourself through their eyes. The eyes of your friends, your watcher, your sister, your army now, but just like them, you still don't see yourself.

    You have learned that those are the eyes that hold the truth, but what if they don't? What if the answer to your quest, to all your doubts and fears is not in them but in yourself? In your own eyes. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you still see the 17 year old girl that was called to be the slayer? Still scare, unsure of her place in this world? The little girl, daughter of divorced parents still hurt by their broken love?

    Or do you see the strong, beautiful woman that has been capable of overcoming every obstacle that has been put in her way, that woman that knows how to protect the people she loves, that has worked so hard to fulfill her duty, her calling, that has given so much in exchange for so little? Do you see her? Do you know?

    I think you do, somehow I think you feel her inside you, that wonderful woman you have become. You are scared though now, because nobody else seems to acknowledge her too, you think that maybe if she's not seen than maybe she's not real. You're loosing faith in yourself, now when you need it the most.

    I see you alone now, broken, betrayed, fragile and you don't know how much I hate it. Your need to be acknowledged by them in order to believe again in yourself; it pains me so much. But this is not about what I feel or what I need, this is about you. And if you need it so much, luv, look at me, see me, I'm seeing you, the real you.

    I'm right here and I'm seeing you. And everything I see is beauty! Poetry! But it's so hard for you my love, isn't it? So hard to believe now, they have broken you, all the others that have come before me. Besides, who I am really but a monster who has hurt you so much in the past too? I know, I know, how can I ask you to believe me? See me?

    So how do I tell you? How do I dare to speak of your beauty? How do I say that it's real, that I have seen it when I wasn't suppose to? When I should have never been worthy of such gift, being what I am?

    But I have to, you need to know, you need to believe. If there's anything I can do for you, this is it, I'll show you the truth. I'll try to let you know that it's real, the wonderful woman that you are, she's real, she exists, nobody should be able to deny it my love, and you know why? Because I see her, and if a being so unworthy, the one that was never suppose to see you it's still able to do it, then that has to mean something right? Even a little bit, give you the smallest of hope that would make you see her too.

    And this is all I can say?

    "You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A 100+ years, and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of: you. Hey, look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy".

    The End
    avatar credit: me!!