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The Client List: an AtS Season 5 fic

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  • The Client List: an AtS Season 5 fic

    To: [email protected]
    From: [email protected]
    Re: The Skinny - Who's evil? Who's a demon? And has Rob Lowe made a pact with the devil?

    Hi Lorne,

    Here's the overview info for the Entertainment Division client list sections you requested re Rob Lowe etc:

    Rob Lowe ? not technically evil, but has a direct soul-loan agreement with the Senior Partners, no third party diabolical involvement. Recent pressure on Senior Partners from various political clients has led to a shift in his choice of roles. IE why no more Aaron Sorkin, and why he's playing a Republican on Brothers and Sisters. His agreement with the Senior Partners is due to be renegotiated in 2025. He may at that point choose to age naturally, or ? due to the length of his enjoyment of our Ageless Benefits Package (ABP), he may have to offer up a firstborn child/equivalent personal sacrifice (such as a body part, loved one eg parent ? although parents from whom one stands to inherit are not viable options).

    Paris Hilton ? as you rightly guessed, evil. Has already sacrificed her firstborn in exchange for a mystical liver transplant and was disappointed to learn that sacrificing your second born doesn't offer any equivalent benefits. However she's currently negotiating an increase in her international profile (hypnosis/media infiltration) in return for the blood and organs of a minor royal (she's working on Zara Phillips, as they occasionally go to the same parties). Royal blood is more effective in certain conjuration spells.

    Prince Harry ? the only Windsor on the books since the Queen Mother broke her contract. We're investigating who really killed his mother, the princess of Wales, for him. Or rather, we're pretending to, since we killed her (contract for another client, classified). If you're worried about the royal blood question, don't be. We don't use the blood of clients without consent. We'd only use non-client royal blood.

    Gwynneth Paltrow ? as you said, she seems too good to be true, and is one of our evillest clients. Little Apple should be seriously afraid. Ms Paltrow has, you may be interested to hear, an impressive sideline career, licensing out Coldplay B-sides to be played on a constant loop in various punishment dimensions.

    Brad and Angelina ? All those babies they're always adopting? Ange and Brad are selling their little souls to us to qualify for the advanced cover legal and mystical package. It's a popular option, selling the souls of children in lieu of your own soul. In Brad and Ange's case, that's not just about selfishness ? they're both demons, so they don't have souls of their own to use.

    Zac Efron ? hearts do not come any blacker than this kid. He's already ritually slaughtered several brothels full of prostitutes and we have a team of lawyers working around the clock to cover up his misdemeanours (usually, rent boys found dead in hotel rooms after nights of a little too hard partying/being stabbed through the face with a glass bottle).

    J J Abrams ? Not evil, but has a one-off contract with our creative department. They're working on an ending to Lost that'll make it seem as if he planned it all out from the start. If they can't come up with anything, he's contracting us to provide a mass delusion so that viewers will believe that all was resolved in a satisfactory fashion.

    If there are any other clients you'd like to know more about, please feel free to ask, any time day or night!

    Best wishes,

    Kevin Walters
    Administrative Assistant
    Entertainment Division
    LA Office
    Wolfram and Hart

    -- Robofrakkinawesome BANNER BY FRANCY --