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The scariest thing in Orvieto: a season 8 ficlet

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  • The scariest thing in Orvieto: a season 8 ficlet

    NB: This story takes place slightly before the beginning of season 8

    It was a beautiful evening, and Rona and Andrew were on watch in Orvieto. After the disaster of a few days previous, they were on high alert, but nothing much was happening, so they were strolling through the streets carrying weapons in their packs and chatting the time away.

    They'd already played a few rounds of "Anywhere but here", plus a few more of "Celebrity Shag Marry Kill". But now they were on to a more specific question.

    "So, would you?" asked Rona.

    "Would I??" Mused Andrew. "Would I?oh, difficult question?so many factors..."

    "I'm not saying you'd have a hope in hell with any of them," Rona went on. But, if you got the chance??"

    Andrew huffed and readjusted his pack. "I would SO have a chance. But?would I want to? Oh, would I sleep with a Scooby?" He wrinkled his nose. "How are we defining Scooby?"

    Rona held up on hand and counted off on the fingers. "Buffy?Giles?.if you're into that silver fox thing?and he is British?then there's Xander," Rona paused and looked pointedly at Andrew. "?then Willow and Dawn." She gave him another pointed look. "Assuming everyone's of the right sexuality to sleep with everybody else."

    Andrew popped a breath mint in his mouth and sucked on it thoughtfully.

    Rona was impatient. "Come on. You don't have to think that hard. And, I've seen you making eyes at Xander, so all I'm really looking for from you is whether you'd do it with any of the others??"

    Andrew sighed at her immaturity. Then he came to a decision. "I wouldn't sleep with any of them. Not even Xander." A slight flush came to his cheeks that that.


    Andrew ran his fingers through his hair nervously. It was getting long. "Well, as a man with a tragic past, I don't want to invite further tragedy. And, if you've done your research as I have, you'd realise?" He gave her the look of a wise Jedi teaching an over-eager young Padawan the ways of the world. "That having sex with the followers of Buffy, or Buffy herself?is the road to almost certain DEATH!"

    He waited for Rona to gasp with shock at this revelation, but she just raised an eyebrow. "Hmm."

    "Think about it?Anya?Angel?Spike?Tara?Jenny?"


    "Giles's saucy gypsy lover who was slaughtered mercilessly by Buffy's former lover-turned-evil-mastermind-who's-not-actually-that-smart, Angelus."

    "Oh. That Jenny."

    "Plus, if I sleep with Buffy, I might go evil. Although?since I've already been evil, perhaps my evil past would make me immune from?.

    "I think Buffy not ever sleeping with you in this reality would make you immune."

    "Buffy would totally sleep with me. She wants my hot body."

    "Ok, that's it guys, I'm splitting you up," came a voice in Andrew's earpiece. Xander.

    "Gaaaah!" gasped Andrew, almost falling over with shock.

    "Our comms were on the the whole time, huh?" said Rona.

    "Yup," came Xander's voice. They heard him take a breath. "Not a bad theory actually." He chuckled. "And I'll tell Giles you called him a silver fox. Over and out."

    "No, please?" said Rona.

    Andrew chuckled. "Rona and Giles, sitting in a tree?"

    "Finish that ditty and I'll end you."

    Andrew waggled his butt and pursed his lips in a kissing shape."Oooh, Giles, Ooooh, I want you baby, I want your wrinkly body next to mine?" He hugged himself in the crude imitation of lovemaking only possible by one who has never known the naked touch of another human being.

    "Shut up." Rona knew she wasn't capable of actually hitting Andrew in the face as she wished she could?damn slayer ethics about not hurting humans. Maybe just the one human? Just a little one?

    "ooh, Giles! Ooh!" Andrew continued his for-want-of-a-better-word sexy dance. "Let me run my nubile fingers through your silky grey hair".

    Rona slumped down on a bench and hugged her knees. "When I said I was ready to be strong?" She looked up to the sky, as if to God. "I'm not this strong."

    -- Robofrakkinawesome BANNER BY FRANCY --

  • #2

    That was very funny and in character!

    Thank you for the laughs and thank you for sharing!


    • #3
      Oh, but that was great! You've got the voices for both Andrew and Rona down perfect, and I loved the conversation. And I LOVED the ending. More please?