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How I met my sire: a sequel to ?Bros for all eternity?

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  • How I met my sire: a sequel to ?Bros for all eternity?

    Author’s note: This is a sequel to a Buffy/HIMYM crossover I wrote about a certain awesome individual becoming a vampire.

    This story tells of another newly-minted vampire, with a fondness for big city buildings and relationships. Who in no way resembles Angel... you know, except in that he’s lame (and awesome) and his hair sticks straight up, and has completely different colouring from his former-friend-now-arch-nemesis...

    How I Met My Sire

    Shortly after I told Barney we weren’t friends any more, he disappeared. A few days after that, I discovered that he didn’t go to Vegas. He hadn’t even gone to Maui. He wasn’t sleeping off a one night stand in a dumpster.

    He was dead.

    The news would’ve bummed me out, even if we weren’t still friends... except that he wasn’t dead in the regular sense. Sure, he was dead... but he still managed to come and tell me about it at four in the morning. I woke up to the sound of someone banging on my door.

    “Hey, bro! You’ll never guess what happened!”

    I put in some ear plugs. But the banging got louder. So, I went to the door.

    “Invite me in, Bro.”

    “I told you,” I mumbled. “We’re not friends any more.”

    “Ok, but ...invite me in.”


    “Invite me in.”


    “Invite me in.”

    And this went on for about ten minutes, with a few bouts of me slamming the door, going upstairs, and him starting to bang on the door again until I was forced to come and go through the “Invite me in”/”No” routine until I started to lose my mind. I had to be at work in the morning, which was in about two hours, so I thought that inviting him in would get him off my back so I could get some sleep.

    Turns out, not so much. I got him off my back...and straight onto my neck. My former friend, then enemy was now a vampire.

    And that, kids, is the story of how I met my sire.

    Ok, I’d met Barney before. But I later discovered (in a different story, involving a goat, a bathroom, and a small blonde chick with an army of hot teen chicks who were out to kill me) that vampires aren’t exactly the person who they were before they were dead. Barney, naturally, told the blonde chick: “No, I’m not. I’m even MORE awesome now.”

    When I woke up after passing out when Barney bit me, my “sire” (you have to use air quotes) was sitting in my apartment with another man. “Meet your Grandaddy!” he said. “His name’s Angelus.” He looked from me to Angelus.

    “Hey, I think there’s a family resemblance.” He looked from Angelus’s leather pants to my red cowboy boots. “Except I got all the good looks and you two got the seriously gay dress sense.” Barney laughed and Angelus glared at him.

    I warmed instantly to Grandpa.

    I got up and dusted the carpet fibres from my pants. “What’s going on?”

    “You’re a vampire. We’re vampires,” said Barney. He was grinning like he’d just taken three hot blondes to bed and then discovered they were triplets, and lesbians. “Isn’t it awesome? And now we’re family, we have to be bros again!”

    I still wasn’t getting it (not knowing about the sire thing at that time), so Angelus explained.

    “So...I’m undead...and Barney turned me into a vampire... and you turned him into one? Why did you turn Barney into a vampire? Do you really want Barney to last forever?”

    Angelus shrugged. “He’s better than the last boy I turned. At least he’s not a cockney idiot.”

    “Hey!” Barney slapped his sire. Then he grinned. “And you could be waitin’ centuries for the next one, my friend.” He waggled his slapping hand ominously.

    Angelus had clearly lost a slap-bet in the short time he and Barney had been hanging out. Poor guy.

    The door opened and a woman with the worst case of crazy eyes I’d ever seen came in. “What’s with the mi casa su casa!” I complained. “This is my apartment. Who’s she?”

    “You invited me in, dude,” said Barney. “And...she’s your vampire sister, Drusilla,” he said, nodding to the woman. “Only in a totally kinky hot you-can-sleep-with-her-though-I-got-there-first kind of a way.” He winked at this Drusilla chick – who did indeed look kinky and hot – and she growled back at him.

    “He tasted of honey. And awesome,” she purred. The word “awesome” sounded pretty weird in a British accent. But I later found out she had psychic powers, so perhaps she was channelling Barney? Dis-tur-bing.

    I was slowly getting used to this “I’m a vampire” idea, and thinking that it was pretty cool. Sure, I’d have to quit my job. But it was the chance to do all the stuff I’d always wanted to do but was too afraid to do before because of my limited human morality (as Angelus called it).

    So, shortly afterwards, I headed over to Lilly and Marshall’s place with my new vampire homeboys (wearing my cowboy boots, which I felt worked even better now I was one of the undead... I mean, they were timeless style pieces, so what better look for someone who’s gonna live forever?).

    We got there just before Dawn, which was a good thing. A sleepy Lilly said a generic “come in,” not really noticing the others, so we all piled in through the door. She was confused about why we were all here, and who we were...and why Angelus and Dru were looking at her so strangely.

    “Dru, it’s Wi...” said Angelus.

    “I know you,” Drusilla interrupted. “You’re the one who was going to give him his soul back.”

    Lilly gave me a cross look. “Ted, do you HAVE to keep dating the hippy chicks? They always turn out to be crazy."

    “I am crazy,” said Dru, nodding, as if it was a fair comment. “But I wasn’t a hippy. Moi Spoike ate one once though. Before I left him for someone much nicer." She waved at Barney, flirtatiously.

    Barney blew a kiss back. This startled me. The idea that Barney would risk dating an immortal - which, surely, implied long term commitment - baffled me. Was being a vampire making him... less of an *******?

    “Honey!” Marshall called from the bedroom. “Who’s there?”

    “It’s Ted. And Barney!” She’d only just noticed Barney. “Hey, did you guys make up?”

    “Did we make up?” Barney chuckled as if to say “did we ever!” but also with a subtext of “we have an awesome bro secret about being dead and it is LEGENDARY.”

    I was thinking to myself how I wanted to suck all the juicy blood out of Lilly’s tiny body. She looked like a fragile bird in her pjs and her neck was exposed. I could almost smell the salty tang of blood. But as we walked into the living room, Marshall emerged from the bedroom, topless and touselled. And I couldn’t help myself. He looked meaty and delicious and I was starving.

    As I dropped his drained corpse to the ground, listening to Lilly’s screams Barney patted me proudly on the back. Angelus snapped Lilly’s neck and drained her.

    “I finally get it,” I told Barney. “I mean, I finally am.”

    “What, bro?”

    I smiled a wide smile. “Awesome!”

    The End (but the beginning of an even more beautiful friendship)
    Last edited by Wolfie Gilmore; 15-05-08, 09:22 PM.

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