Dear Buffy

[litzie]

Title: Dear Buffy
Author: Litzie
Rating: PG
Summary: Between season 2 and 3...all the things Willow wanted to say.
Disclaimer: not mine.


June 18, 1998

Dear Buffy,

No that's wrong. If this were a note, if I were passing it to you tight in my fist while Mr. Howard asked the class if anyone knew what the Constitution was and everyone stared at him blankly ? if this were a note, I wouldn't write Dear at the beginning. At most, your name would be there, but maybe not even that, and this is really a note because I know that tomorrow you're going to show up at my door with Xander in tow and smile and laugh and it will be like nothing's changed. So I won't ever have to mail this, there will never be a stamp, no one will post mark it and send it through conveyor belts while they fantasize about bringing a machine gun to work.

Do you think postal workers call it going postal?

But sine you're not here right now, I mean this instant, this second, well?I thought that perhaps I would write you a note, and give it to you when I see you. Which will be soon. Very soon.

You've been gone for three weeks now, did you know? Actually twenty-two days. Not that we've been counting. Obviously you need some time to, you know, be on your own. I get it. Totally. Obviously I understand because you're my best friend and I don't need you to tell me things directly because we have this really special connection.

But it might be nice if you told me. Just kinda, you know, called me up? Or you could send me a letter. You, at least, have my address.

Your friend,
Willow

[litzie]

June 30, 1998

Buffy,

Things are going on, you know? Oz?well, it's me and Oz now, like we're a unit, like we kinda face the world together. He was there when I woke up, he was the first thing I saw after that awful fuzzy blackness in my head at the hospital. Did I tell you that? I can't remember, now, what I said and didn't say. It seems kind of cloudy now. I remember you leaving the library to go meet Angel, counting on me to work the spell ? I failed you, Buffy. I'm sorry. I should have done better, that first time.

I felt something go through me though, at the hospital. Something?dark. It was very dark. And thick, and deep. It's hard to describe, but it felt kind of like a door opened in my mind and all this power came through it. I should find that scary, right? And I do, right, definitely. It's just?even though it didn't feel entirely like it was me cursing Angel that day (and even though it obviously didn't work right, or else you wouldn't be?), more like something was using me to do it ? at the same time I felt so powerful. So in control. Like I could make my own choices in life, shape the world around me.

Now that I write that it seems crazy. But?I know Giles doesn't want me to, but I'm starting to look at some spells. Research, that's been my thing. But with this, with magic ? I could actually do something.

I think ? well, I wish you were here.

Your friend,
Willow

[litzie]

July 21, 1998

Dear Buffy,

And why not put a Dear in the greeting? It's not like you're ever going to get this anyway.

No, no. I shouldn't think like that. I never do, not around the others. Xander, he lets his anger show, his doubt. Really though he just wants me to be certain, so that he can be scared. And Giles ? oh, Buffy, you should see what you've done to Giles. He's so?lost. He's completely lost without you. He blames himself you know. So does your mom. Xander and I?we've been visiting her every once in a while, just to see how she's doing. She seems the same, but there's this nervous energy to her, like she's waiting for something all the time.

Oz has been great through all this. He just ? he makes me feel so special, you know? Like someone finally noticed me, someone finally saw who I really am. It's what I've always wanted.

And when he kisses me ? wow. Wow! It's amazing! Awesome!

Only?I don't know. I thought there would be something more? Something?I don't know how to describe it. I probably just read too many fairy tales when I was a kid (though I had to read them at Xander's house. My mom banned all things Disney and any story that started with Once Upon A Time and ended with a princess getting married. Unfeminist.). I think that there's this magic to love, that my body should?do something that it's not doing. But love isn't like that?it's gentle. Simple. Sweet.

Your friend,
Willow

[litzie]

August 17, 1998

Buffy,

School starts next week, do you know? I have this fantasy that you’ll just be there, waiting, on the front stairs when we walk in. Because…how can I go back there without you?

I think about you sometimes. Well, I think about you all the time, but sometimes it’s different. I remember everything about you, the way you laughed and the way you cried after Angel...the way your hair looks in the sun. I try to hold onto you in my memory, but you keep slipping away. Sometimes I even get distracted when I’m with Oz, and I think of you. And always when I’m doing magic. It sends a tremor through me. It’s…it’s weird, Buffy. I don’t know what it means. It seems…it doesn’t seem normal, and I wish you were here to talk to me about it but you’re not.

You’re somewhere else, and you don’t have time for me. You don’t care enough about any of us to come back, or even to let us know you’re alive ! (I know you are. I know you are) and it’s so, so selfish. I’m so angry with you! I wish I could tell you to your face but you won’t even let me have that.

I…I shouldn’t have said that. I feel guilty now, like I should knock on wood or something. I’m sorry. Just…just come home, Buffy. Please?

Your friend,
Willow