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Some corner of a foreign field: a Doctor Who ficlet

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  • Some corner of a foreign field: a Doctor Who ficlet

    John Smith is dead. Bereft of life, he has ceased to be. He is an ex-human.
    Am I joking about it because I'm heartless? Or is the joke a dangling thread of my recent humanity? Laughing in the face of the unfaceable.

    He's part of me now, lodged deep inside. He was a story, but that doesn't mean he wasn't real. His final moments were braver than I can ever be, she said. Joan saw me so clearly. I remember loving her. Soft lips and stern eyes. I remember love.

    There is no indignity in being afraid to die, but there is a terrible shame in being afraid to live.

    Someone said that to my granddaughter once. Another lost girl. Did I love her?

    It doesn't matter. I locked her out so she could live. My shadow is too long.
    I locked her out like?I didn't mean to lose Rose, but it's better. Better for all of them. I bring chaos. Sometimes, chaos can be wonderful. I help people, I show them the world. But I think I am too much for them.
    I am always becoming. I am part of everything. I can hear the echoes of the big bang, and the howling of the coming darkness. I am a colossus. But does that mean I must be cold stone?

    No. I loved Joan when I was him. I loved Rose when I was?myself, and my other self. She was full of light. Even through dimensions, I could see her.
    But it's better this way. My place is among the stars and always moving onwards. If I look back, I see the emptiness. I see the death of worlds. I see myself, and I cannot bear to look. I'm too much even for me.

    John Smith was wrong. I do love her. I love all of them. But my love is too great and terrible. I cannot be held, I cannot stay. I love them all equally, and they will never understand that. I am as impartial as death. I'm not heartless. I have too many hearts.

    I can see him in the mirror, a glint in my eye like buried diamonds. That was a man. I am?

    I see shattered lives in the glass. Turn your eyes away, Doctor. Don't look back. It's time to be on the move again, with a girl who I don't love. She's a tether to humanity that I can cut whenever I want, without pain. She's temporary, and I am time. Always moving onwards.

    I wish for a sea of poppies to make me forget. But poppies whisper dreams of young lives, lost in seas of mud and fire. The things men do to one another. I try to stop them, but I cannot stop myself.

    I'm not unhappy. I'm not truly lonely, because I have the universe to keep me company. It is alive with joy. I can dance like a merry god in the heavens, back and forth, to and fro.

    But I cannot stop. If I stop, I reflect, and if I reflect?I see death, and goodbye, and the end.

    I cannot stop.

    -- Robofrakkinawesome BANNER BY FRANCY --