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Explodations - X-Men 3 Parody

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  • Explodations - X-Men 3 Parody

    "Logan!" Storm stormily cried.

    Wolverine ran over to Storm and into view, making a further attempt at being in every frame.

    "What's going on?" Storm asked, a fearful chill and frosty breeze clear in her voice, "I am quite often undefined and need things repeated for me. I also like presents and hate boils, hence my preference for gifts and aversion to curses."

    "She's gone mad with power!" Wolverine growled, cocking his head Phoenix-ways, "you know what happens when you go mad with power? You go mad!"

    Storm smacked her forehead in dismay, thunderously sure that not even she was that stupid.

    "I'm the only one that can stop her," Wolverine continued woodenly, scratching a tear from his eye with a rampant claw.

    "Why?" Storm cracked, sharply as a hailstone.

    "Because she's my One True Love and despite her overreaching love for Geordie LaCyclops, she has this deep down love for me that I can tap into and reach and make her be good and pure and sweet honey Jean again. And then we make sex?" he finished, turning to stare indolently at Phoenix.

    "Isn't it because of your healing powers?" Storm asked, a confused windy twirl entering her voice.

    "My hmm??" Wolverine murmured, distracted.

    "Your healing powers," Storm snapped, slapping Wolverine's face towards her, swift as a lightning strike, "you know, how you can heal any wound pretty much subconsciously, effectively making you invincible and making any chance of my character taking over the film franchise basically a moot point?"

    Wolverine shook his head slowly, staring at Storm. "Is it to do with my One True Love??"

    Storm sighed like the cold Atlantic front. "You know, those healing powers that allowed X2's overly Wolverine-focused villain to give you those scratchy claws and your animal-like powers ? although that's always puzzled me, since I'm not certain how healing powers or a metal skeleton gives you heightened speed, agility, animalistic tendencies and that insane, freakin hair?"

    "Yeah, well?" Logan replied, grouchily searching for a comeback, "your hair is white! Unnnh!"

    "So now that you know?" Storm began, building volume like a rainstorm of gathering clouds, "can you go, and, uh, use your healing powers to give this big climax some meaning?"

    "?Healing powers?" Wolverine asked faintly, turning to look at Phoenix again.

    "Save me?" Phoenix, or potentially Jean, cried from way a-yonder up on a dramatic hill to be climbed, "save me? Save me! God DAMMIT! For ****'s sake, ****ing kill me already!"

    And as the passion and rage of the Phoenix increased, the amount of props and characters decreased in a flurry of CGI activity that most likely symbolises the movie industry's move away from tangible features to computer-generated everythings ? this visual code is surely Important.

    "How did she become so ever-powerful anyway?" Wolverine, noticing this detail, asked, "all the evil of a major production company? embodied in one sexful body?"

    "Sexful?" Storm thunderclapped.

    "Well, sexful is like sexy, only being uneducated and stupid, I momentarily forgot that sexy was a word, so I subbed something meaningless in," Wolverine explained, nodding to himself as he went along. Storm nodded appreciably, turning away from Phoenix to address this more pressing word-confusion issue.

    "Kind of like how half the things the Professor used to say were absolute bollocks?" Storm asked, "something about cocoons?"

    "Well, yes, but it's also true that the Professor was soft, squishy and pale, like a caterpillar, so cocoons probably feature highly in his mind," Logan continued.

    And then they wasted so much time that Phoenix made them explode.

    And then Phoenix exploded.

    And then the world exploded.

    "Kitty Pryde," said Kitty Pryde, who also exploded.

    Note: Major production companies found the original story of the Phoenix far too dark and violent for them, so sent Brett Ratner to a similar project where he belonged, directing the Sesame Street spin-off "Big Bird".