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Challenge 4: Parental Advisory, Explicit Buffy

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  • Challenge 4: Parental Advisory, Explicit Buffy

    NC 17 for potty mouths all round!

    Just wrote this in a stream of consciousness sort of a way, hopefully I can get around to a proper entry later some time!

    "Holy ****!" said Willow, as the smoke cleared in the magic box. "My wacky spell moved our show to HBO. So now we can curse properly!"

    "**** me, you're right!" said Buffy. "****ety **** **** ****. Hey, I'm the ****ing chosen one. I could ****ing get used to this."

    "But HBO, not just about the cursing!" said Xander, wondering how best to broach the subject of an orgy. But then he noticed that a big scaly demon lady was checking out his butt, and decided not to bring up the topic at that present moment. It might lead to bad places. With spines on them. In his butt.

    "Well, the swear word liberation is rather ****ing timely," said Giles. "Because I've got some news that will make you all shit yourselves. There's an?"

    "Apocalypse," finished Angel, stepping forward from the shadows with his coat billowing.

    "Shut that ****ing door will you," said Giles, "There's a bit of a draft! And how did you know about the apocalypse of M'guffin?"

    Angel didn't reply. He just stared intensely at Buffy. "I can't tell you."

    "Why?" asked Buffy, staring back.

    "Because it relates to plot points over on Angel that the suits at HBO feels wouldn't necessarily be known to our audience. And if I tell you things like "I'm in love with Cordy and have a secret love child with Darla" it won't look very good when I hit on you." Angel realised that the cat was out of the bag. He frowned. "****."

    At that moment, Spike came running in covered in a blanket, sizzling. Not because it was daylight outside, but because he was carrying a freshly-made bacon sandwich. Hot fat spat into the air, which meant Giles had to clean his glasses.

    Spike peered at Giles. "Hey?has anyone ever told you ?you're really hot?"

    Which made Giles clean his glasses once more for good measure and mumble something that might have been "**** off", but even HBO has its limits.

    Anya, who until that moment had been sitting behind the till reading Ayn Rand, said, "I'm bored. When are we going to get to the sex? Isn't this HBO? There hasn't been any sex at all!"

    But then the entire watcher's council burst into the magic box. Quentin stepped forward in his tweedy suit. "There'll be no sex here please, we're British!"

    "Shame, I was feeling really depressed so I thought I'd have sex with Spike!"

    At which Spike cried for the opportunity that he'd just lost. "****ing Watcher's Council. Spoil all my fun!"

    "It's because we represent the patriarchy," said Quentin.

    "Ergo they're evil," said Buffy. "Patriarchy equals bad. Except when I'm feeling insecure and I want to mould Giles into a highly reactionary male role model.

    "Where IS Giles, by the way?" asked Willow.

    "Don't know?and, oh, is that the time, better go!" said Buffy. "I'm just rushing out to my pole dancing class."

    "Pole dancing?" said Xander, with interest.

    "You better mop that drool up when you've finished," scolded Anya.

    "Yes. I figured I'd try something new and demeaning. I've already given up on cheerleading, but I thought this was more or less the same deal. Now, I'm late, so?byee!"

    "Hey!" said Spike, pointing to the back door. "Did anyone else see Giles being dragged off by a giant rabbit?"

    "Oh no!" cried Willow. "Dawn must have been practising those bunny-enlargment spells I told her about! The bunny must have taken her too!"

    "SEE!" exclaimed Anya, in triumph. "Bunnies! Evil bunnies!"

    Meanwhile, at Buffy's pole dancing class, Buffy was fighting for her life. "Typical!" she sighed. "I would have to choose a demon community centre to take classes at. When the poster said firms up your tail end, I didn't know they meant literally!"

    THWACK! One of the demon strippers hit Buffy in the stomach with her tail. Things do not look good for our heroine!

    In the cave of the giant evil bunny, Giles and Dawn are tied up. The rabbit is salivating but also making bad puns. "Now, lettuce see?who shall I eat first?"

    And then, to the viewer's horror, we realise?this is a two parter. We won't get to see how the scoobies get out of their various binds til next week!

    -- Robofrakkinawesome BANNER BY FRANCY --