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"Oh, you have GOT to be kidding!"
Spike stared up at the gleaming, 100-foot-tall gates, then down at the small, neat man who was sitting at a desk at their base. He wore a grey suit, slashed at the back to allow his wings through. They were folded behind him, but their span was clearly vast.
"Are you perplexed by the existence of this place," said the angel, "or by your presence here. And, please, take a seat." He gestured to the chair on the opposite side of the desk to his own.
"Me, being here. Though, didn't think it was all literal, ?bout you sitting here with your big book and all."
"We did a survey. Most people expect it. They find it comforting? and it means the paperwork doesn't get left for eons." Peter smiled, pleasantly. "Come, sit!"
Spike walked towards him, slowly, and a little shakily, and sat down. "Have to admit it, Pedro, this isn't exactly where I pictured myself ending up."
"Hm." The angel was scribbling something in his book. "No, it was touch and go for a while there."
Spike leaned his elbows on the desk. "What swung it?"
Peter finished writing and put down his quill pen. He looked at Spike with his kind, watery eyes. "Why don't you ask Her, when you get in there?"
"Her? God's a woman?"
"Oh no, not God. I was talking about the Holy Virgin. She tends to be more chatty?being the Mediatrix and all that."
Spike whistled. "So?this is Catholic heaven, is it?"
"Of course," said Peter. He looked worried for a moment. "You were confirmed, weren't you? I hope there hasn't been a clerical error?"
"Yeah?well?when I was human. But?I've murdered people. And?well, I'm not saying it was exactly buggery, but near as dammit?surely you lot don't want my sort in here?"
"Oh, you didn't think Catholic heaven actually stuck to the rules of Catholicism, did you?" Peter chuckled. "That would be no fun at all! No, we more or less let you do whatever you want?you have saved the world, after all. Now, if we could just go through your sins briefly, then we can get you inside."
After a while, Peter decided that they didn't have to go through all Spike's sins out loud, and allowed him to list only the bloodier ones?that also happened to make the better anecdotes?he explained that listening to endless lists of "I had an envious thought about my sister," did get very dull very quickly.
So, an hour or so later Spike was walking through the pearly gates. A thought struck him. He looked about him ? he was in the middle of a beautiful field, full of shiny looking people. And then he saw him.
Angel. All dressed in white, with a halo, but still scowling. Some people are never bloody happy, are they?
"Spike!" growled Angel.
Spike turned around, looking to where he could still see Peter through the closing gates. "Oi! Mate! I've changed my mind! Take me down below!"
Peter grinned unpleasantly. Just before the gates slammed shut, he gave Spike a little wave and called, "Oh, sorry?did I mention?this isn't heaven. It's hell."
Angel and Spike stared at one another.
"Guess no one would come in if it said Hell on the door," groaned Spike.
And then the flames began to rise.
Spike stared up at the gleaming, 100-foot-tall gates, then down at the small, neat man who was sitting at a desk at their base. He wore a grey suit, slashed at the back to allow his wings through. They were folded behind him, but their span was clearly vast.
"Are you perplexed by the existence of this place," said the angel, "or by your presence here. And, please, take a seat." He gestured to the chair on the opposite side of the desk to his own.
"Me, being here. Though, didn't think it was all literal, ?bout you sitting here with your big book and all."
"We did a survey. Most people expect it. They find it comforting? and it means the paperwork doesn't get left for eons." Peter smiled, pleasantly. "Come, sit!"
Spike walked towards him, slowly, and a little shakily, and sat down. "Have to admit it, Pedro, this isn't exactly where I pictured myself ending up."
"Hm." The angel was scribbling something in his book. "No, it was touch and go for a while there."
Spike leaned his elbows on the desk. "What swung it?"
Peter finished writing and put down his quill pen. He looked at Spike with his kind, watery eyes. "Why don't you ask Her, when you get in there?"
"Her? God's a woman?"
"Oh no, not God. I was talking about the Holy Virgin. She tends to be more chatty?being the Mediatrix and all that."
Spike whistled. "So?this is Catholic heaven, is it?"
"Of course," said Peter. He looked worried for a moment. "You were confirmed, weren't you? I hope there hasn't been a clerical error?"
"Yeah?well?when I was human. But?I've murdered people. And?well, I'm not saying it was exactly buggery, but near as dammit?surely you lot don't want my sort in here?"
"Oh, you didn't think Catholic heaven actually stuck to the rules of Catholicism, did you?" Peter chuckled. "That would be no fun at all! No, we more or less let you do whatever you want?you have saved the world, after all. Now, if we could just go through your sins briefly, then we can get you inside."
After a while, Peter decided that they didn't have to go through all Spike's sins out loud, and allowed him to list only the bloodier ones?that also happened to make the better anecdotes?he explained that listening to endless lists of "I had an envious thought about my sister," did get very dull very quickly.
So, an hour or so later Spike was walking through the pearly gates. A thought struck him. He looked about him ? he was in the middle of a beautiful field, full of shiny looking people. And then he saw him.
Angel. All dressed in white, with a halo, but still scowling. Some people are never bloody happy, are they?
"Spike!" growled Angel.
Spike turned around, looking to where he could still see Peter through the closing gates. "Oi! Mate! I've changed my mind! Take me down below!"
Peter grinned unpleasantly. Just before the gates slammed shut, he gave Spike a little wave and called, "Oh, sorry?did I mention?this isn't heaven. It's hell."
Angel and Spike stared at one another.
"Guess no one would come in if it said Hell on the door," groaned Spike.
And then the flames began to rise.
