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Saviours are complex: A (ninth) Doctor Who/the Bible crossover

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  • Saviours are complex: A (ninth) Doctor Who/the Bible crossover

    Forigve any Bible continuity errors...I don't know that 'verse as well as I used to Was in a bit of a life of Brian mood...but also inspired by the fact that someone said the mark of a truly terrible Doctor Who fic was one that involved debunking world religions. Then again, I'm not debunking...just showing a rather more rough and ready Jesus than you get in sunday school. Just a silly little fic with no particular point to make, just thought it might be fun.

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    Rose and the Doctor were standing beside a large building with pillars, getting their bearings. The Doctor claimed he wasn't entirely sure what year it was, or where. He was certainly getting some funny looks for wearing a leather jacket rather than loose white robes. It was incredibly hot, and Rose was tempted to start stripping down, but she had a feeling that wouldn't go down too well with the locals. They'd probably stone me or something, she thought.

    They'd arrived in the TARDIS minutes before, in an alley nearby, and wandered into the centre of the town. Tables were laid out in the yard out in front of the building. Some kind of market. Chickens and sheep and other animals in pens, and men sitting at tables were counting out piles of coins.

    From their vantage point at the edge of the market, Rose noticed a young man with dark hair and a neat beard approaching the marketplace. He started to yell, "What are you doing here? Take these things away! This is my father's house!"

    Rose had never seen someone so angry. Not since she got chewing gum in the heart of the TARDIS. "Does his dad own the place then? Must be a big cheese around here."

    "Cheese-us," corrected the Doctor.

    "You what? You mean??" Rose stared at the man again. "Christ!"

    "That's the one."

    "Oh, shut up."

    "Honestly."

    "But he's so?grumpy!"

    The young man was still yelling.

    "You'd be grumpy if you were dragged out of heaven to go and live among a bunch of apes," grinned the Doctor. "Or that's the legend, isn't it?"

    "No, that's Buffy," said Rose.

    Jesus was now kicking the tables over. Then he pulled out a whip from somewhere.

    "That's really Jesus? As in the Son of God? As in the messiah?" Rose was shocked. "He's flogging that man at the donkey stall!"

    "Well?" The Doctor folded his arms and looked appraisingly at the young man. "I don't know if he's the messiah. But he's a very naughty boy."

    "You just brought me here so you could say that, didn't you?"

    The doctor grinned, broadly. "Pretty much, yup. But since we're here, why don't we go and meet his nibs?"

    "Shouldn't I get changed first? I don't exactly fit in, dressed like this?"

    "Nonsense. If he can hang around with Mary Magdalen, former prostitute, he shouldn't have any trouble with a bit of lycra." The Doctor started walking forwards. "Hey, Jesus, over here!"

    "Oi, you saying I look like a hooker?" began Rose, but the Doctor was already on the other side of the marketplace.

    Jesus looked up as the Doctor approached. He stopped yelling. "Who are you? You look?"

    "Hi." The Doctor smiled and held out his hand, shaking the startled man's hand. "I'm the Doctor and this is?if she'll hurry up a bit?"

    Rose trotted over the last few steps.

    "Rose."

    "Pleased to meet you, your?" Rose felt like she should say something like majesty, but she wasn't quite sure what. "Lordship?"

    Shouldn't he be glowing or something? she wondered. Close up, the man looked completely ordinary. Or perhaps that's the point? Wasn't that what the Doctor was always banging on about?it's ordinary humanity that's what really matters? Well, not necessarily humanity?but people

    "Hi." Jesus looked completely baffled. Then he peered more closely at the Doctor. "Wait a minute, I remember you!"

    "What?" The Doctor was taken aback.

    "Yeah. I might've only been a baby, but I have a good memory," he said. He wagged his finger at the Doctor, but he was smiling. "That frankincense gave me a terrible rash!"

    "You're one of the?" began Rose, staring at the Doctor. "Bloody hell! I was you in the nativity play!"

    The Doctor raised an eyebrow. "You were a wise man? With a beard?" He smiled. "Bet it suited you."

    "What? I was robbed. Sharon Jenkins got to be Mary ?and we probably don't need to have this argument in front of Jesus."

    "I don't mind," said Jesus. He glanced around him. The stallkeepers were all staring, confused as to why he'd stopped ranting. "But I should probably get on with purging the temple of evil moneylenders. You know how it is," he said, with a pointed look at the Doctor. "Got to keep your mind on the job. Saving humanity and all that."

    The Doctor patted him on the shoulder. "You go right ahead." He held out a hand. "Though, give us the whip will you? I don't think that'll really do any good."

    "Spoilsport," said Jesus. But he handed it over. "Anyway, better be off. Nice to meet you, Doctor and your prostitute friend. I trust you're helping her change her naughty ways?" Jesus winked at Rose and with a little nod to the both of them, he turned back to the shopkeepers, and resumed yelling.

    The Doctor and Rose stood watching him for a moment. "I think Jesus just called me a ho," said Rose, and burst into hysterics. The Doctor started to chuckle, too, and soon they were both pissing themselves.

    "Actually, I think he probably knows you're not from around here," said the Doctor. "Whatever or whoever he really is?he's not just a human."

    "Do you think he really could be the son of god?"

    "Maybe."

    "Or an alien?"

    "Maybe both," the Doctor co'cked his head to one side, looking at her with his big dark eyes. "Who says alien gods don't have sons?"

    Rose sighed. "You'll never give me a straight answer about anything, will you?" She leaned her head on his shoulder.

    "Maybe," he said, and slipped his hand into hers.


    -- Robofrakkinawesome BANNER BY FRANCY --
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