Xander Harris Facebook Note: 25 things you probably never knew about me

[Wolfie Gilmore]

(a season 8 Facebook story)

I was tagged by Willow , so here goes. 25 things you never knew about me (probably, unless you’re Willow, in which case, I’m guessing you’d have a few things to add to the list that I don’t know about myself, but that wouldn’t be sporting). Bearing in mind that I’ve friended various slayers, I’m going to leave out any seriously naughty or humiliating stuff. Otherwise none of you whippersnappers will take me seriously as an authority figure. Um, because you do right now, right? Hells yeah. Hells yeah is what the kids say, right?
Shutting up and giving you my list now.

1. I am still sad about losing my complete collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates when Sunnydale collapsed. Yeah, you heard me. I am a geek and I am proud.
2. I have never voted. Shame on me. Rock the vote, kids, and I promise to vote in 2008 if the world hasn’t ended by then.
3. I have a scar somewhere on my body. I got it from Dracula. That is all the detail I’m prepared to provide.
4. I have never kissed a boy or a man, dead or alive (so, no, that scar was not got in the context of a kinky vampire sex game whatever some of the younger and more vividly imaginative slayers might think about me and the D-man).
5. I have never dated a girl who has not at some point had superpowers of some kind. (Ok, some of you may know that one, but you probably never thought about it like that, huh? I am a supergroupie). Unless I’ve forgotten someone which I almost hope I have because that would make me seem more studly, no? What’s that at the back? An emphatic no? Thought so.
6. I have grown quite fond of Andrew (just in case he thinks I don’t appreciate him at all – you had my back in Prague , Wells, I won’t forget that!).
7. I almost mystically decapitated myself in Uganda by using a bad translation of a local spell. Note to self – don’t trust Dawn when she says her Soga is fluent. Her Soga is not fluent. Her Soga sucks.
8. That night I’ve never spoken about, when I ran out of money on a road trip and had to “work off” my bill? Nope, still not talking about it.
9. I learned how to pilot a helicopter in only seven lessons. I am manly.
10. Piloting a helicopter isn’t actually all that different from piloting a wrecking ball, or playing a number of computer games.
11. I love so much that we have helicopters now.
12. But not quite as much as I love having a comms system. We never even used to have cellphones a lot of the time in Sunnydale. But now I have one of those cool headset thingies and I get to say roger, over. And people do stuff when I tell them to do it, and I don’t even have to pay them overtime. Or, you know, at all.
13. I think slayers should get paid. But until we work out how to fund that, it’s expenses only, sorry girls. And as many donuts as a small budget can buy.
14. If I’d gone to college, I would’ve liked to major in marine biology. Any major you can do while wearing a scuba mask is ok by me. Plus, who doesn’t like dolphins?
15. Speaking of marine life, I have never actually seen the whole of Jaws, since I had to escort Willow out of the cinema because the shark scared her. So, as far as I know, that shark’s still out there somewhere. This might explain why neither Willow nor I spent much time at the beach in Sunnydale. Vampires we can handle. Giant sharks who eat your legs from under you, not so much. Maybe it’s best I never got to do that marine biology thing. I think my legs are my best feature.
16. Having no depth perception isn’t that bad after a while. Lifetime pass for not being good at sports.
17. I’ve always wondered what happened to that skateboard Snyder confiscated. Did he use to ride around it on his office?
18. I really, really wish I knew more about what Giles got up to as a kid. Especially that band he was in. If anyone can find something they recorded, you get a shiny nickel and my eternal respect.
19. I’m agnostic. Well, obviously I believe in gods, plural, because I’ve met one of them. But they suck. I’m agnostic about the idea of a benevolent, omniscient supreme being. And that’s more long words than I’ve used since high school. Think I might need me a lie down. But, if there is a God, I’m sorry. And also thanks. Or maybe not. What about that evil, huh?
20. The First Evil once appeared to me as Jesse. It told me I’d put on weight. I think that’s what inspired me to start working out more. That, and realising that getting in shape might actually help me outrun monsters.
21. It no longer bothers me that most girls dig mean, distant, mysterious guys. Because not all of them do. And, anyway, I’m kinda mysterious myself. I mean, I never know what I’m going to say next, so how can anyone else?
22. I miss Oz.
23. I would happily live off cheerios, burgers, beer and ho hos for the rest of my life. However, I realise that said life would not be of the longness if I did so.
24. My favourite Doctor is Three. Rockin ruffles, Doc.
25. If anyone ever makes a film of my life (or a film of Buffy’s life, more likely, in which I play her dashing yet earthy consigliere) I’d like to be played by John Cusack. Actually, I think I might do a whole note about casting our lives. Anyone got any ideas?



COMMENTS:
Rona – This is your list with the humiliating stuff left out? DUDE.
Dawn – I’m guessing I’m gonna have to be CGI’d if the film’s set now... but the non-horse parts should be played by Amanda Seyfried. What? Hollywood me could totally be that hot.
Xander – Dawn, you are totally hotter than Amanda Seyfried. Or, people say that. Not me. I wouldn’t know about that.
Buffy – Why are you wasting time on Facebook? Why are you checking out my sister on Facebook? Xander! Get back to work!
Dawn – Hypocrite. You’re totally on Facebook right now. Aren’t you supposed to be saving the world or something?
Buffy – I was just checking whether Amazon had despatched my order of, erm, important books about weapons.
Willow – She’s lying. I can see her screen now and she’s looking at pictures of Lindsey Lohan getting out of a car. Busted, great leader.
Buffy – Ooh, she’s not wearing any... I mean... get back to work everybody! Demons to fight! Evil! Chop chop!