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Thread: Feedback for Emmie

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    Agent 1.3 Llywela's Avatar
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    Default Feedback for Emmie

    Post feedback for Emmie's fics in here

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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    ARCHIVE:

    BtVS/AtS Fiction

    Poetry

    Graduation Day - Buffy's POV as Angel leaves during Graduation Day Pt 2.

    Fire Back - A Spuffy poem.


    Drabbles

    With 10 Drabbles You Get Eggroll - Ten assorted drabbles written for an LJ meme by request.


    Oneshots

    The Girls in Question - Old lovers return to visit Buffy in Scotland. Season 8, post-Wolves at the Gate.

    Heartbent - Buffy tries to comfort Xander in his grief. Season 8, post-Wolves at the Gate.

    Therapy Sessions - A member of the Scoobie gang finally seeks professional help. Genfic. Post-Sleeper.

    Make it Burn - Dark angsty Buffy POV oneshot during Season 6. Spuffy. Rated R.

    Mirror Mask - A portrait of Buffy. Written for SlayAlive Scribes Challenge prompt "Using your favorite Whedonverse character, show what makes them beautiful to you. Show why you love them."


    Multi-Chapter Fic

    Thought You Should Know - Spuffy WIP. +30,000 words

    Sad Song in His Heart - Spuffy. Complete. 3 Chapters. ~6,000 words



    Dollhouse Fiction:

    Be Mine






    COLLECTED FEEDBACK:

    Quote Originally Posted by tangent View Post
    Feedback for Emmie

    Loved 'The Girls in Question'. I was a little worried as I started reading that it ws going to be a bit too shippery and perhaps a bit too naughty for me (especially considering the rating/warning) but it's a very well written, interesting fic with great descriptiveness and a lovely little angle. I absolutely loved Spikes reaction to the kiss "can you do it again" made me laugh out loud, and I liked the little surprise guest at the end.

    For some reason though it feels, to me, as if it's the start of something bigger. I wouldn't mind knowing what happens next, what the resolution of all those four people being in one place will be; so I guess I feel it could've been taken perhaps a step or too further. Also shouldn't it be Scottish countryside at the very start (sorry, very nitpicky).

    Anyway hugely enjoyable, extremely well written stuff. Keep'em coming!

    Quote Originally Posted by KingofCretins View Post
    Feedback -- "The Girls In Question", by Emmie

    This was a really enjoyable fic, and the first thing that leaps out is that it doesn't really feel like a *first* fic. It doesn't really cast about for the story or indulge in tangents. (even thought Tangent indulged in it ).

    It has a nicely irreverant quality to it -- it's basically two of the Big Way Too Serious sacred cow topics, Buffy/Satsu and Buffy/Vampire reunions, and doesn't bog down in staring and angst. It's just fun. Buffy's voice is on, Spike's voice is on, and it's funny throughout.

    I like the idea that Buffy would be just salty enough about Spike's disappearing/reappearing act to be... demonstrative about Satsu. If you were to follow this up, though, I'd like to know whether the message in having them kiss so openly is that Buffy is making a pro-Satsu decision or not.

    Great continuity bits (or “The Buffy of it”)

    • Spike’s rivalry with Angel, and the idea that they have literally been racing to get to Buffy.
    • Satsu calling Buffy “ma’am”, pointedly, clearly aware that Buffy likes it.
    • Buffy continuing to (mis)-use “shirty” (I think – she still sounds goofy saying it at least).
    • Angel’s unswerving need to greet Buffy with just her first name.


    Probably the best thing I can say is that you don’t have Satsu backing down from the ‘major characters’ – it would be easy, and I bet it’s common, to make the visiting characters shine so much brighter than the newer characters, but Satsu doesn’t back down from Spike at all. It plays both as vampire vs. Slayer and as jealousy/territoriality about Buffy.

    Construction criticism: Re-reading, I found one sentence that doesn’t really work for me –



    Unless I’ve lost the thread, Buffy doesn’t *know* it’s Spike yet, so hard to figure the adjectives and descriptions from her POV, and certainly Satsu wouldn’t think of him as cuddly or cheekbones in the middle of a fight. Just a little unwieldy, IMO.

    Overall, it’s a very good fic, especially for a first fic, and evokes the comic touches of such BuffyForums luminaries as Wolfie Gilmore. Write MOAR fic please, Emmie

    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfie Gilmore View Post
    Emmie - just read the therapy fic, very enjoyable. I liked Anya acting as the spokes-ex-demon for the fans who think Spike got off too lightly. And her rant about pyramid schemes, very Anya.
    Quote Originally Posted by Wolfie Gilmore View Post
    She's a great fun character to write with I think, and a good choice for therapy. Not cos I think she needs it more than the others, they all do, but I think she'd just tell the truth without worrying about revealing too much, while the others might try to pussyfoot around or protect the secrets of the slayers. Or worry about seeming crazy, which I don't think Anya would bother herself with.
    Last edited by Emmie; 27-05-09 at 06:15 AM.

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    Slayer Supporter vampmogs's Avatar
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    A feedback thread! Now I can actually post in here what I liked about your fics!

    The Girl's In Question:

    Loved this one, it's probably my favourite out of the bunch you've written so far! I thought it was very funny and I really enjoyed how you made it a lot of fun. Reunions on the show tend to be very dramatic but you really did well and just making this one nice and bright for a change. It also fits in excellently with how Buffy/Satsu was written overall, that relationship in 'Wolves At The Gate' subverted everything we've come to expect from a "lets keep this between you and me" Buffy kinda secret where it looked like it was going to be another "oh here we go again Buffy lies from her friends and it causes more pain for her" as all of her friends walk in on Buffy/Satsu at the same time and do it in a funny way, so bravo for keeping up with this new tradition!

    My only "minor" complaint is that we didn't get to see Angel's reaction to Buffy/Satsu or at least Angel and Spike being petty about it together! But that's not a complaint about your writing, more a complaint that I didn't get to read how you would’ve wrote it! You would have handled it wonderfully!

    Heartbent:

    This was another great one. It was very simple but as it tends to be, simple can often translate to “most effective” and this is know exception. I really loved the silence between them and how much Buffy understands his loss. I think you wrote both of them really well, Xander’s the type who would be silent about it and as in ‘Inca Mummy Girl’ Buffy’s been shown to respect that and just to be there for him when he’s depressed or grieving. A very powerful intimate piece.

    Therapy Sessions:

    I enjoy the idea of placing Anya in therapy because she’s the one person who would have no problem divulging all her problems and secrets, she’d be a therapists dream, she could talk for hours! The only thing I found slightly odd about it was how willing Buffy was to call Buffy her friend. I think it was within character how you had her comment on how Spike is sort of her friend but not really, but I’d have always thought Anya may say the same about Buffy, especially in season seven where she seemed to rather dislike Buffy the majority of the time. That’s the only thing that didn’t ring completely true to me but hey, it’s only a minor quibble and it’s nothing major, it certainly didn’t effect how much I enjoyed the story! I loved how at the end of the day it was an extension of her rant about how she and Spike were treat to what she believed to be double standards, that was fun. Oh and I loved how she kept thinking about Hallie.. She never got shown to grieve about her in season seven and it was a nice way to incorporate that into your story. Excellent work.

    Graduation Day Poem

    I’m not a huge fan of poetry, I never have been, but as you already know I really dug this. I think it’s an excellent moment you chose to work on because you really had to work on how each actor conveyed their feelings through nothing more than facial expression and looking at your poem and comparing it to the moment on screen, I can believe everything you say in your poem in regards to how Buffy is feeling in this moment.
    - "The earth is doomed" -


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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Thanks Mogs! *hugs*

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    What? KingofCretins's Avatar
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    "Therapy Sessions" is very fun. First, there's not enough good Anya-centric fic out there.

    I love the handling of Spike's chip -- it manages to echo the scene from "Lies My Parents Told Me" without ripping it off. Raeburn is actually pretty interesting, too, I love the real caution in how she answers everything Anya's saying, like she might want to call to have her committed at any second. If there are future installments, I'd love to see her given some more character -- like the Melfi of the Buffyverse.

    I *really* like that you set up "Empty Places" and the ongoing feud between Buffy and Anya in Season 7 with the bit about Anya saying that if Buffy forgives Spike, everyone else is supposed to forgive him, too.

    As with many of the fics I like (stares at Wolfie Gilmore), what the story really needs is to be longer

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    Dana's Date ♥ ~M@rie~'s Avatar
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    I just read your Graduation Day poem and I loved it. Really sad and heartbreaking. I really felt for Buffy while reading it. It's also beautifully written. The words just flow. Great piece!

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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~M@rie~ View Post
    I just read your Graduation Day poem and I loved it. Really sad and heartbreaking. I really felt for Buffy while reading it. It's also beautifully written. The words just flow. Great piece!
    Thank you, ~M@rie~! Your feedback means a lot to me.

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    Bronze Party-Goer bradyml57's Avatar
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    Your Graduation Day poem was beautiful I wish I could write like you lol.
    Oz: Hey.
    Oz: That girl. Who is she?
    Devon: She's an exchange student. I think she's from South America.
    Oz: No, not her. The Eskimo!

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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bradyml57 View Post
    Your Graduation Day poem was beautiful I wish I could write like you lol.
    Thanks bradyml57!

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    What? KingofCretins's Avatar
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    "Thought You Should Know" is very good, that is exactly the kind of letter that Spike would write. I could imagine him sort of guiltily wavering and then dropping it into the mailbox before heading out to his open mic. Most pleasant is that it actually works with where Buffy is in Season 8. I don't know where you'd go in terms of a follow-up, unless you're imagining a letter exchange -- I'd have a harder time believing that. But a letter like this from Spike, anticipating he won't come out of the assault on the Circle, is true to the character.

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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by KingofCretins View Post
    "Thought You Should Know" is very good, that is exactly the kind of letter that Spike would write. I could imagine him sort of guiltily wavering and then dropping it into the mailbox before heading out to his open mic. Most pleasant is that it actually works with where Buffy is in Season 8. I don't know where you'd go in terms of a follow-up, unless you're imagining a letter exchange -- I'd have a harder time believing that. But a letter like this from Spike, anticipating he won't come out of the assault on the Circle, is true to the character.
    Thanks! I'm actually imagining this lining up with the continuity of Season 8 which means the letter gets sent to Decoy Buffy in Rome, not the real Buffy. And as we know, the real Buffy is heading to Rome soon...

    The way you described Spike wavering over mailing it is exactly how I imagined it. I see Spike's motivation for finally communicating with Buffy being spurred by the fact that he thinks he's going to die again. So going out in a blaze of glory here and not having to worry about the consequences. And perhaps sending the letter is what spurs Spike onward to a bar - easier to forget what he just did with lots of whiskey. Plus it put him in the mood for poetry.

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    Scooby Gang blue_peroxide's Avatar
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    I'm officially loving "Thought You Should Know". Thanks for putting up Chapter 5, I really liked it. You write excellent Andrew. “You know what they say about Slayers – all work and no play leads to extremely grumpy Slayers. And extreme grumpiness leads to the Dark side.”
    Buffy on her way to LA! And decoy Buffy to Scotland! I don't even know which story I want to read first!
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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    I'm officially loving "Thought You Should Know". Thanks for putting up Chapter 5, I really liked it.
    Yay! Thanks for the feedback. You're the first person to give me any on the later chapters of this fic posted here. *hugs*

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    You write excellent Andrew. “You know what they say about Slayers – all work and no play leads to extremely grumpy Slayers. And extreme grumpiness leads to the Dark side.”
    He's a bit tough to write so I'm really gratified to hear that it played well.

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    Buffy on her way to LA! And decoy Buffy to Scotland! I don't even know which story I want to read first!

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    Scooby Gang oneslikeme's Avatar
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    hello! i just started reading "thought you should know" and i must say i really like it! i can't wait to see how it turns out.
    Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.

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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oneslikeme View Post
    hello! i just started reading "thought you should know" and i must say i really like it! i can't wait to see how it turns out.
    Thanks! Glad to know you're enjoying it.

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    Scooby Gang blue_peroxide's Avatar
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    Okay, "Thought you should know" is just fantastic.

    For example in Ch 7, I love your comparisons and the spot-on small details like:

    “Buffy.” Angel turned to find her standing right where Nina had been less than an hour ago. Only Buffy didn’t lean against the door jam. She stood straight and tall with her arms crossed over her chest. Strange how she could stand so tall when she was so tiny.

    And, of course, you can imagine how delightful it was to read the scene with angry Buffy asking Angel "Where's Spike?" I could totally see that scene in my head!
    And it's wonderful how Buffy is angry at Angel for not telling him and Angel very rightfully points out that it should have been Spike himself telling her he's alive.
    And Buffy finds out about Angel's son, too! Your story is so much better than all of the comics put together.

    In Ch 8 them finally meeting scene is beautiful. (And I think that's the hardest part to write, in a way, isn't it?) I also love the fact that Buffy doesn't notice when Angel and Connor left the room. So sweet and tender moment between Buffy and Spike.
    And also love that Buffy punches him! That and the good old snark just have to be there as well. Anyway was one very well deserved punch for not telling her he was alive for so long!

    “I had reasons, you know. Very good reasons.” He huffed. “Oh, you’d be impressed.” Spike tapped his temple, nodding. “The thoughts in here. Yeah, very impressed.”


    I love the kiss scene. Wonderfully written.

    And the 'dirty-hotel-reunion-sex' talk was just hilarious. I could totally picture them having this conversation.

    And the end with "I'm really here". Awwww. I've nothing more to say.

    *goes to read the whole story once more from the very start.*
    Last edited by blue_peroxide; 06-04-09 at 10:36 PM. Reason: some spelling...
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  17. #17
    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    Okay, "Thought you should know" is just fantastic.

    For example in Ch 7, I love your comparisons and the spot-on small details like:

    “Buffy.” Angel turned to find her standing right where Nina had been less than an hour ago. Only Buffy didn’t lean against the door jam. She stood straight and tall with her arms crossed over her chest. Strange how she could stand so tall when she was so tiny.

    And, of course, you can imagine how delightful it was to read the scene with angry Buffy asking Angel "Where's Spike?" I could totally see that scene in my head!
    And it's wonderful how Buffy is angry at Angel for not telling him and Angel very rightfully points out that it should have been Spike himself telling her he's alive.
    And Buffy finds out about Angel's son, too! Your story is so much better than all of the comics put together.
    Thanks so much! I'm happy you enjoyed that scene. I try very hard to stay true to the characters and give each their due. Angel definitely won that argument, but he usually does when Buffy storms in acting irrational, doesn't he?

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    In Ch 8 them finally meeting scene is beautiful. (And I think that's the hardest part to write, in a way, isn't it?) I also love the fact that Buffy doesn't notice when Angel and Connor left the room. So sweet and tender moment between Buffy and Spike.
    It was hard in the sense of figuring out how to get them there, but once I got them together it was surprisingly easy to write. The really hard part for me was writing them as being physically intimate without making it seem like PWP.

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    And also love that Buffy punches him! That and the good old snark just have to be there as well. Anyway was one very well deserved punch for not telling her he was alive for so long!
    It's funny. The punch is such an interesting trope of Spuffy reunion fics post-Chosen. I think it fits in there perfectly with the right set-up. I had an interesting discussion recently on my LJ about whether it was for Buffy to hit Spike upon seeing him again. The majority said yes, but about 1/4 of the people in the discussion felt no she wouldn't. I think it's definitely something Buffy is capable of doing if swept away with emotion. Do I think she has the right to punch Spike for keeping his return a secret? No. Do I think she's capable of doing it? Oh boy, and how!

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    “I had reasons, you know. Very good reasons.” He huffed. “Oh, you’d be impressed.” Spike tapped his temple, nodding. “The thoughts in here. Yeah, very impressed.”


    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    I love the kiss scene. Wonderfully written.
    Thanks!

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    And the 'dirty-hotel-reunion-sex' talk was just hilarious. I could totally picture them having this conversation.
    I had to bring some Spuffy humor to that moment to balance it out.

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    And the end with "I'm really here". Awwww. I've nothing more to say.
    You've said so much already. Thank you for the wonderful feedback. *hugs*

    Quote Originally Posted by missperoxide View Post
    *goes to read the whole story once more from the very start.*
    And this is the biggest compliment of all.

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    What? KingofCretins's Avatar
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    As "Thought You Should Know" has developed into a narrative, I've only picked at it. I just read up through... Chapter 8 I believe -- through the post-coital, at least. I think the real strength of the piece has been its careful weaving of comic canon into it and creating a realistic -- well, mostly realistic -- way to reunite the characters, up to and through Buffy arriving at the Hyperion. The "mostly" there is simply in response to the choice to go "spoilers through 8.23", but only because I'm having trouble looking at Buffy's world, in the midst of "Predators and Prey", being settled enough in her opinion to make a trip to Los Angeles to follow-up on this. I'd almost thing pre-8.11 (although that carries with it the daunting task of getting Buffy back to the emotional space necessary, or the burden of just abandoning Season 8 canon altogether) or, better, pre-8.21.

    Thereafter is where the story has arrived at a difficult place -- the difficult place, the place that makes crossovers between "Buffy" and "Angel" stories almost impossible at this point -- the "there's much too much to talk about" place. The characters feel spot on when Buffy comes in and confronts Angel, and, insofar as it is a Spuffy fic, her choice to skate right on past Angel's presumptive evil-ish turn and on to "where's Spike" makes sense. But I think the choice to have Buffy not having heard of Connor pulled me out a little bit, because I can't reconcile that as something she would be willing to mouth curiousity about and then move along from -- better, perhaps, to have her just in the conveniently already-knew-that place Willow was in "Orpheus" (for much the same reason -- takes too much time to retread it for her benefit if she hadn't, and there was no way Willow wouldn't have wanted to know how Angel had a kid right away).

    The only other critical comment I have would be that Buffy seems to steamroll too quickly into a place of playful lustiness. I'm all for her not wanting to get it on with Spike in the Hyperion (I had to reread, in fact, to make sure they weren't having that conversation in front of Angel, actually), and I -- having myself written them jumping almost immediately into bed on first seeing each other -- can totally understand them getting crazy on it pretty fast. I guess there was just something a bit... "Something Blue" about them in that scene of them deciding to leave the Hyperion for a bit of private time. I would have expected a reunion a bit more desperate, a bit more urgent, in that situation were they to actually sleep with each other.

    The characterization is all brilliant in general, though, you don't do any disservice to major characters or "fanonize" events involving Andrew or Giles in an unbelievable way. And the handling of the romance itself is artful and elegant, particularly the sensuality of killing a specific bottom lip or a hand running over a naked shoulder.

    As Spuffy reunion fic, this is by far one of the most grounded and restrained I have read, and, as a mostly canon compliant story, allows the reader to immerse themselves without much of a challenge.

    If I were to use stars to rate fic, I'd rate this so far to be --

    4.5 of 5 stars

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    Slayer Emmie's Avatar
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    King, regarding Connor - I think Buffy's knowledge is still very much up in the air. Just as Faith had to tell Buffy about being in Angel's mind. I also doubt that Buffy knows Angel lost his soul during Season 4 - that's the kind of thing that I imagine Willow just kept on being mum about in order to not worry her. The mentality of it was scary, touch and go, but they fixed it so no need to worry her needlessly. And obviously Willow did know about Connor from Orpheus, but the spell that removed Connor from everyone's memories in Home would presumably extend to Willow. No reason for it not to and really, wouldn't it be shoddy craftsmenship for that spell to ignore Willow? The one person who has the power to perhaps reverse it and who does stay in contact with the Angel gang.

    I'm more coming from the perspective that even if Willow did tell Buffy about Connor or if Buffy had somehow heard about Connor through the demon grapevine during Season 6/7 - the spell removed that knowledge in Home if she ever even knew about it to begin with. I think when it comes to assuming, it's far safer to assume some things didn't happen in canon offscreen when they're such big moments. And Buffy learning about Connor is a very big moment imo. So I played on the side of her not knowing during Season 8's timeline.

    I did steamroll over that reaction, but I think a bit fairly considering just as she's about to interrogate Angel about Connor, she sees Spike for the first time since he died. So yeah, distracted. Comparably, a very big moment with someone who's personally connected to her and she's been driving herself to see for quite a long while. And as far as priorities go, chatting it up with Angel isn't an urgent need but will happen during the downtime ahead. I'm still a fan of B/A so it's impossible to not have a Buffy/Angel moment of connection, though I think they've reached a place where it's not going to ever be the (some say) OC-ness of Chosen. But deep connection, understanding and love nonetheless.

    Regarding the characterization for Buffy leaving during her responsibilities, that's definitely not going to be ignored and is actually central to the psychological motivations I've been trying to build for her. It's very fair to say that she ditched those responsibilities and tossed them on her Decoy counterpart's shoulders. She's being deliberately selfish here and deceptive. Very much not of the good. The way I look at it, her leaving the way she did is very much motivated by disillusionment and anger. Feeling that everyone around her is lying, that humanity is turning on her, that the whole Twilight and Slayer situation is spiraling out of her control. Then to be hit with the realization that Spike is or may be alive? She's thrown and reacting emotionally, hurt and afraid and feeling angry at the responsibility. The parallel being drawn between sacrificing her personal life for her Slayer duty to the extent that she wasn't even allowed to know that Spike was back from the dead. So it's not that Buffy calmly decided her world was "settled" enough for her to leave, but more she selfishly jumped ship while fueled by some very impressive anger and a desire to run away.

    And that was a long, drawn out way to say that Buffy leaving like that isn't going to be played out as something she'd do normally. That it is very much abnormal for her and there will be consequences. That she's herself guilty of what so enraged her with Giles - the withholding of knowledge. Which hey - that's the title! See, there's a theme. So in keeping with Buffy's desertion having consequences on the Scooby side of things, expect to see someone coming to burst Buffy's escapist fantasy o' love and no Slayer General responsibility very soon. Actually, the most recent two chapters 10 & 11 speak to this reckless way she's dealing with her Slayer side at the moment and her disillusionment and disconnection from humanity and her friends.

    Fair enough on the "immediately jump into bed" - I was shooting for a chapter that shows the varying degrees of their interaction in progression in one scene. And the idea that the emotions are running so high that they just get carried away, but not so much that Buffy isn't squicked by the idea that they're macking on each other while Angel's in the same building.


    Thanks for reading and leaving some very thought-provoking feedback.
    Last edited by Emmie; 20-04-09 at 10:27 PM.

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    Hellmouth Tourist frogfarm's Avatar
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    Emmie - What I loved about "Why Buffy Robs Banks" was that it wasn't just highly amusing and sarcastic, but that despite the sarcasm and humor it had that genuine semi-desperate S6-ish feel of un-Slayable reality nipping at our heroine's stylishly moderate heels. Well bowled; would read more like this
    My voice was given to me as an instrument of inspiration for my friends, and a tool in the torture and destruction of my enemies.
    - Diamanda Galas

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