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Thread: Feedback for DigitalLeonardo

  1. #1
    Agent 1.3 Llywela's Avatar
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    Default Feedback for DigitalLeonardo

    Post feedback for DigitalLeonardo in here

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    Somebody Save Me... DigitalLeonardo's Avatar
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    Feedback is always appreciated! Check out Sorceress of Crimson Falls my original Virtual Series released back in 2005. Also keep an eye out for my new series Guardians, coming soon.
    Last edited by DigitalLeonardo; 01-03-10 at 10:39 AM.

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    A Super Wesley Fan!! Heroine X's Avatar
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    Hey, I'm gonna tell you about SoCF: Socceress of Crimson Falls.

    I'm liking this VS and I think it's pretty cool. I like the idea of Willow and Tara back together, and that was one of my fave shippings of the shows. I'm loving that you included Amy in this and she's a cool crazy chick in a way.

    I also liked the new characters: Liz, Kendal and Edan. Far out awesome!!

    I liked 1X02. That happens to be my favorite episode of the series. Although you have more promising things in future episodes, I am excited to find out what it is.

    When does Fred/Illyria debut in the series? When are you going to add more episodes?

    Sorry for the long feedback, I'm just telling you how great of a writer you are, and keep up the good work, and don't forget to check out my VS as well if you can.

    NOT FADE AWAY

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    Somebody Save Me... DigitalLeonardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heroine X View Post
    Hey, I'm gonna tell you about SoCF: Socceress of Crimson Falls.

    I'm liking this VS and I think it's pretty cool. I like the idea of Willow and Tara back together, and that was one of my fave shippings of the shows. I'm loving that you included Amy in this and she's a cool crazy chick in a way.
    Thank you! I am happy to hear that after 5 years the series stills holds up I am a huge fan of Willow/Tara (of course) and yeah Amy I think is one of my favorite recurring villains on the show. I wish they used her more on the series.

    I liked 1X02. That happens to be my favorite episode of the series. Although you have more promising things in future episodes, I am excited to find out what it is.
    Yeah "Spawn" is really one of my favorite episodes as well. I really felt like we need more on Giles' past so I hope that I was able to do something different and interesting. Plus I love the idea of him having a kid

    I'm glad you are excited for the rest of the series to be posted!

    When does Fred/Illyria debut in the series? When are you going to add more episodes?
    Illyria/Fred pop up episode 8. It's a big 3-parter that will make bringing Fred back make sense. And I think you will enjoy it if you enjoyed the first 5 episodes. Cause it is pretty action packed!

    Sorry for the long feedback, I'm just telling you how great of a writer you are, and keep up the good work, and don't forget to check out my VS as well if you can.
    I love feedback! So the longer the better You're series is on my list, so hopefully I will get to it soon!

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    Raindrop Obsessed's Avatar
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    Travis-

    I enjoyed the first episode of Guardians quite a bit. I'd have to say my favorite character so far is Luna. I was surprised in the Sailor Moon series- she was actually a cat. Anyhoo- you're very descriptive with your writing. I could really envision the characters' appearances, especially Luna's.

    I liked that you use similiar scenes from the first episode of Sailor Moon. I now understand the significance of the "castle" like school, the red ribbon, all of colors and how Mina talks to herself a lot. I appreciated the gumball scene. That was amusing. And the way the cast shattered was pretty cool.

    I am uncertian about Mina accepting her role so quickly as Venus in the fourth act. I know its important as I am familiar with your series. I just think that calling herself Venus in that scene is a bit too fast. Maybe something along the lines of "I think... I'm Venus"- to show some uncertainty, that she can't believe she has powers. The portal scene with Luna and Mina- did Mina remember her past life? I get the impression she remembered even though she asked questions about it.

    In the hosptial scene- when the nurse tells Mina she can't leave, I can't see the nurse saying she has to sign some "stuff". This is the line I'm talking about-

    NURSE: That’s not the case. We just need some stuff signed since you’re still under eighteen.

    I think that a nurse would be more formal with her dialouge- "We just need some forms signed... "

    Oh- this line here...

    MINA stands and walks to her large closet. She opens the double white doors and walks in. Her closet is a walk in, clothing hangs all around with a shelf for shoes and bags.

    You've described Mina walking in a walk-in closet. I think you're already implied its a walk in closet by having her walk in. I'd suggest writing something like-

    MINA stands and strolls over to her large walk-in closet. She opens the double white doors and enters it. She observes her clothes hanging on the rack and a shelf for shoes and bags.

    I dunno if this is a good paragraph but I think you get the idea. Basically avoid using the same words twice in a row.

    I noticed some spelling errors such as "you're" when it should be "your" or "too" when it should be "to" or vice versa. There are more errors- just a few words here and there. I'll PM them to you if you want. At the moment I can't recall 'em all. Also I believe words like iPhone, Blackberry and Macbook needs to be in caps since they're titles.

    All in all- great start. I'm hooked already. I look forward to the next episode. Oh I hope you'll post more Sailor Moon episodes.
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    Somebody Save Me... DigitalLeonardo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Obsessed View Post
    Travis-

    I enjoyed the first episode of Guardians quite a bit. I'd have to say my favorite character so far is Luna. I was surprised in the Sailor Moon series- she was actually a cat. Anyhoo- you're very descriptive with your writing. I could really envision the characters' appearances, especially Luna's.
    Yeah, I was going to make her a cat, but I wasn't sure how that would work in writing... So making her a child seemed to work better. I am glad you can envision these characters, cause I try to make them wear important things, I want you too see their outfits flow! Like when Mina is fighting, her white dress in your head should be flowing.

    I liked that you use similiar scenes from the first episode of Sailor Moon. I now understand the significance of the "castle" like school, the red ribbon, all of colors and how Mina talks to herself a lot. I appreciated the gumball scene. That was amusing. And the way the cast shattered was pretty cool.
    Yeah, if you don't know the original series then its tricky and some of those details seem weird or useless. So I am glad you watched the episode. And I will make sure to post episodes in the trivia that relate to the episode so you can see similarities and such.

    I enjoyed the gumballs too, cause it was just a nice little touch and more fun to write then simply having Luna wake her. Plus it showed that Luna has some powers.

    I am uncertian about Mina accepting her role so quickly as Venus in the fourth act. I know its important as I am familiar with your series. I just think that calling herself Venus in that scene is a bit too fast. Maybe something along the lines of "I think... I'm Venus"- to show some uncertainty, that she can't believe she has powers. The portal scene with Luna and Mina- did Mina remember her past life? I get the impression she remembered even though she asked questions about it.
    Trust me, this will not be the case. I was trying to have Mina in the moment, she just killed a monster is all in the moment. But there will defiantly be hesitation for the majority of the season. Episode 2 will have Mina fighting it after getting some time to think. Also looking bad, I had her calling herself Venus almost rushed, because she didn't wanna use her own name. So since she had the name in her head she just blurted it out.

    In the hosptial scene- when the nurse tells Mina she can't leave, I can't see the nurse saying she has to sign some "stuff". This is the line I'm talking about-

    NURSE: That’s not the case. We just need some stuff signed since you’re still under eighteen.

    I think that a nurse would be more formal with her dialouge- "We just need some forms signed... "
    Hm good point. I wanted to play that the Nurse was a bit younger (early to mid 20's) and was just annoyed by Mina and Molly. But I think I will change the line to what you suggested.

    Oh- this line here...

    MINA stands and walks to her large closet. She opens the double white doors and walks in. Her closet is a walk in, clothing hangs all around with a shelf for shoes and bags.

    You've described Mina walking in a walk-in closet. I think you're already implied its a walk in closet by having her walk in. I'd suggest writing something like-

    MINA stands and strolls over to her large walk-in closet. She opens the double white doors and enters it. She observes her clothes hanging on the rack and a shelf for shoes and bags.
    that does make much more sense. I just couldn't get that sound right, but you did. I kind of gave up and just left it, feeling that if sometime came to mind I could come back later and fix it up. But now I will!

    I noticed some spelling errors such as "you're" when it should be "your" or "too" when it should be "to" or vice versa. There are more errors- just a few words here and there. I'll PM them to you if you want. At the moment I can't recall 'em all. Also I believe words like iPhone, Blackberry and Macbook needs to be in caps since they're titles.
    I have real issues with too and you're and such like that. I honestly don't know when to use each one, so I kind of guess it and hope that grammar check will help (though it doesn't). So if you could PM some of the errors I would be very greatful. I tried to catch as much as I could, but I know I missed a few...

    All in all- great start. I'm hooked already. I look forward to the next episode. Oh I hope you'll post more Sailor Moon episodes.
    Good! I really wanted something different that would hook the reader! And yes like I said I will for SURE have more episodes posted
    Last edited by DigitalLeonardo; 18-03-10 at 06:44 AM.

  7. #7
    A Super Wesley Fan!! Heroine X's Avatar
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    Hey there Travis.

    I read 1x07 of Socress of Crimson Falls and I have to say, good job!!

    I like that you had Faith and Vi into this episode, which gives the episode a big plus. Well for including Vi in the least, but I like the guest stars in the episodes!

    The very events in this episode had rather interesting twists and turns that I did not really see coming. I also like that you're giving out information for the episodes to let new readers know special notes for the episodes.

    Can't wait for the next episodes!! Happy writing Travis!

    NOT FADE AWAY

    An Angel continuity/crossover with Power Rangers
    Coming Soon!!

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