View Full Version : Deeply stupid plans (part 3)

10-03-19, 12:24 AM
I originally wrote a version of this post quite a while ago on Tumblr, but it nonetheless fits into my ongoing Deeply Stupid Plans series, because I just don't let anything go.


In today's edition, I discuss ways for BtVSís villains to up their game. Whether you want to literally send the world to Hell or just dominate it for your own gain, this is the advice you need to succeed in the Buffyverse.

Let's look at the Master of the Order of Aurelius, the first in a long line of miserable failures who, but for poor decisions, might have succeeded.

1. Train all your agents to use guns. Darlaís use of modern weaponry shows admirable initiative, but the Slayerís legendary agility prevented a single weapon from succeeding in a straight-on duel. However, if all the Orderís followers had been armed with guns, they could have easily set up an ambush, firing from multiple directions, which even the Slayer would have been hard-pressed to escape.

2. Integrate watches into your uniforms. As an immortal, you may drift away from human conceptions of time. Granted, your smarter, more sensitive vampires will be able to sense the presence or absence of a real sunrise, and therefore will not be caught in one, or fooled by false lights. Unfortunately, some of your bruisers will be more like Luke: Easily fooled. If he had been required to follow a schedule based around human timekeeping devices, he might have had a better idea of the time of day it was.

3. When you drain the Slayerís blood, drink it all. In the first place, itís a delicious restorative and stimulant that can only improve your fighting skills. In the second place, draining just enough to make her pass out doesnít keep her from getting back up to fight you. If youíre really not hungry, break her neck or bash her skull in before leaving her alone in your home.

4. Send attractive, well-spoken agents to pursue the Slayer. As shown by her dalliance with the former Angelus, Buffy Summers has a weakness for handsome, mysterious, powerful men. You can use this to your advantage. Send in your men without vamp-face and with orders to act pleasant. With any luck, youíll soon have an infiltrator in the Slayerís group.

5. Booby-trap your chambers to prevent break-ins. As long as the traps can be easily deactivated and reactivated, this is a simple way to keep people from stealing your books, rescuing your hostages, etc. When time is of the essence, most people wonít think to look for themĖ and time is always of the essence when the Orderís guards are lurking behind every corner. Any followers who forget the traps and stumble into them can be written off as bad investments.